Yikes!!

I should be thrilled right now.  I should be ecstatic that my family is finally getting our own place.  What was going to be only a few months living with family turned into 9 months.  9 MONTHS!!!  Don't get me wrong I am so grateful to every family member who took Cole and I in while we were waiting for Coles new Job to get started.  Trust me 3 months of feeling like a single mom to my boys while Cole has lived 3 hours away has been rough.  Even with my sisters help it is just hard when you don't have the other parent around to help out everyday.  And believe me I am so excited to have our own space again.  Trust me I am probably going to run around naked for the first few days because I can and I don't have to worry about running into any family members!!!

But why am I so nervous and anxious?  I was driving home from the store thinking about this and it finally dawned on me.

I am scared to live with Cole again.  I have finally gotten into a grove with things, with him not around.  Our separation was needed at the time due to his work starting up and our marriage was failing at the time.  But after some good elbow grease and working hard together, we have found some safe zones.  We have really come a long way from where we were.  And I'm happy with our outcome.  I know we have more work to do.  And I know there are some arguments in the near future to figure out our roles in our marriage with where it is. I plan on finding a therapist to help me. I also plan on having a healthy outlet of negative emotions at the gym still.  Cole is enjoying work and is involved in football so he has his own outlets and "him" time that he needs just as I do.

I am mostly terrified that after all this hard work it will all fall apart again.  Do I expect it to...of course not.  I really think it is going to work out.  (I truly do!)  But I can't deny the inkling feeling that what if it does fall apart?  I want so badly for this to work out.  Cole really does to!  He is still drinking occasionally.  It's not what I want but we made boundaries and agreements that we both were comfortable with.  He even committed to coming to church with me on Sundays only to sacrament meeting to help out with the boys.  Do you know how much that means to me.  It will be so nice to have his help. Especially when before he wanted nothing to do with church.  

The fact that we are both making sacrifices for the other is huge.  It is showing that we respect and care about one another.  It might not be perfectly how we want it.  But pushing each other has never helped us.  It has just caused a problems in our marriage.  And I really believe that with trust and understanding this will all work out.  We may not be perfect but I'm so happy that once again we are starting to care to make the other happy.  

To finish this off I found this amazing quote that a friend posted on her Facebook.  I seriously can not get it out of my head.  I feel like Eyring is speaking directly to me.  Getting our own place feels like the right thing right now.  I just need to follow my heart and listen faithfully for what steps I need to take next.  I am ready to be where the lord wants me to be.

"Please find out what it is the Lord would have you do, believe he has prepared a way for you to do it, and share what he's given you with others. As you do that, you will feel his love and you will become more like him. You will find joy and consolation, you will become sanctified by the gospel, and then you can go home again."
-- Henry B. Eyring

My Favorite Church song

My son always asks me to sing my favorite church song to him every night.  My favorite Church song is "A Child's Prayer" by Janice Kapp Perry. It melts my heart every time we sing it together.  Those loving words coming out of my 3 year old's sweet little mouth are one of my favorite parts of the day.  The first verse is sang by a child asking/talking to their heavenly father.  And the second verse is an adult version answering the child's questions.  If you haven't heard of this song the lyrics are below.

1. 1. Heavenly Father, are you really there?
   And do you hear and answer ev'ry child's prayer?
   Some say that heaven is far away,
   But I feel it close around me as I pray.
   

   Heavenly Father, I remember now

   Something that Jesus told disciples long ago:

   "Suffer the children to come to me."

   Father, in prayer I'm coming now to thee.
2. 1. 2. Pray, he is there;
      Speak, he is list'ning.
      You are his child;
      His love now surrounds you.
      He hears your prayer;
      He loves the children.
      Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heav'n.

Lets take a look at the song and how it can comfort anyone who is going through a hard time. You call up to your Father In Heaven because you feel alone and are pray for his comfort and love.  Then you're comforted knowing he is there and he is listening and answering your prayers doing what is best for you.  Even if it isn't exactly how you want your prayers answered, he knows whats best and is guiding you in the direction you need to be.

Every time I go through a trial this song pops in my head.  Every time I'm going through emotional pain and I feel so alone this song is always a huge comfort to me. And during those hard times when I'm in the shower, I seem to belt it out!  (Seriously sing it at the top of my lungs and I love every second of it.) The lyrics in this song are just so comforting to me.  What I am loving right now is
how my son is learning the words and how beautiful it sounds to me when he sings it.  And I love how he is starting to love and enjoy the song as much as I do.  I only hope that teaching him this song he can find comfort in it when he is older like I have.

What is your song that inspires/comforts you during your hard times.  Leave me a comment below because I would love to know what songs help others.

Safe People

Let me first start off by telling you who "Safe People" are.  Safe people are people that you feel very safe to share almost everything with.  No they don't always have to agree with you.  But you trust them enough that you can tell them what you feel comfortable sharing and they will love you and be there for you no matter what.

I have a small handful of people that are on my "Safe People" list.  It's not that I don't trust everyone, but I believe in my relationship, that not everyone needs to know all my secrets.  But the people who I do consider safe, I believe I should be able to share with them what ever I feel.

I think it is totally healthy to find some one to process and share your thought and feelings to.  Now obviously if your asked to keep a secret you should.  So don't go telling all of your secrets you promised to keep about others.  But going to them to vent, process, talk, is a totally normal and healthy thing to do.

I am a girl.  Girls like to talk.  We aren't like guys who are satisfied with seeing an old friend and saying "Hey, What's up?  Everyone in your family good?  Cool glad everything is okay."  Girls like to share details.  If things are good we tell it how it is.  Same for the bad.  If things are bad you better believe we share to those we feel are safe to us.  (My personal opinion stop doing bad things that your friend, family member or spouse are going to get upset over.  If you don't it's not okay to expect them to bottle it all up and not be able to talk about it.)

I have a few safe people in my life that I can share all me thoughts and feelings with.  I don't feel judged and appreciate their advice and love.  Safe people are important to have.  Not only for yourself but for your spouse.  And I think it is very important to have safe people.  If you have problems in one of your relationships whether it is with a friend, parent or spouse I think it is healthy to share your thoughts and feelings to someone who is safe.  You shouldn't be criticized for going to a safe person and processing your thoughts and feelings.  I don't think it is healthy to bottle everything up to yourself.  And I don't think it is healthy to only share it with your spouse.  It will turn into a burden to only talk and share everything with your spouse.  I think if you have this problem it is important to seek help from family or friends who you feel safe to talk to.  Or even professional help can be a big help.

I have a few people in my life who struggle with finding safe people and they expect me to not be able to process and share my thoughts or feelings.  And right now i'm not okay with it.  I'm not okay with bottling it all up and keeping everything to myself.  I think it is very selfish of them to put this burden on me and to think that I just have to deal with it on my own.  Like I always say....I am going to do what I think is best for me and my family.

The Talks

Right now Cole and I are really working on our communication.  

We have been married for over 6 years but we both agree we feel like newly weds.  Not in the romantic honeymoon stage but in the arguing and trying to figure out how to live with each other stage.  For the first 4 years of our marriage Cole and I were separated for more than half of our marriage. Due to Coles Military and all his deployments we were use to being separated.  It was so difficult being apart from the one you love.  And it made that reunion so sweet.  We loved each other so much and knew that from all our separations.  But all the separations are really starting to bite us in the Butt.  The first part of our marriage we didn't get the experience like most, where we were able to figure out one another.  Have those big fights and work it out.  It is so frustrating now because of how long we have been married.  We have kids now and we are going through the hard beginning parts of our marriage that most couples would have figured out by now! 

Before when we would get in an argument we would most likely yell and walk away from each other.  We would calm down and not discuss the problem again.  Now that I look back on that I realize how childish and selfish we were.  But lately we have been trying to talk it out and discuss our problems/feelings. And even though it has been really good and beneficial for our challenges right now it is super frustrating!  It is seriously emotionally draining sitting in a room trying to talk without raising your voice.  And expressing how you feel with out screaming out a few cuss words...now that has been a big challenge for me.  Sometimes our conversations have lasted hours and I finally want to scream some vulgar words at him and walk out of the room.  And i'm pretty sure he feels the same way.  

This has been so good for us.  We have really had to work on our patience.  And that is what i'm finding we need most in our marriage right now.  The small things are starting to tick us off.  And right now we need to relax and decide what is really important to get upset over and what isn't.  I have learned that sometimes I just need to sit back and breath.  Getting all flustered and upset isn't doing me or anyone else any good.  I'm seriously thinking of finally doing some yoga classes.  It will be nothing but beneficial for me. How about you?  What are some things you do?  What have you done in your marriage to stop the yelling and fighting and having healthier conversations?