Did I do anything to deserve what I did? Did I not provide you with enough love? Was I not good enough for you? Am I going to find more? Why did this even happen?
Will we ever be happy again?
I have new questions running through my head everyday. The most common ones are "why is this happening to me?" "Am I not good enough?" "Will the pain never go away?"
I am an emotional wreck everyday. I have good moments and I have bad ones. I can't get the horrible images out of my head. They haunt me all the time.
My husband used social media to cheat on me. He found women, lied to them and told them we were separated so he could enjoy intimate pictures/videos/conversations with them. No he didn't touch them. But he still cheated on me.
I use to love social media and how it kept me connected to friends and family near and far. Now I freaking hate it! Not a day goes by that I want to hack onto Coles Facebook to see if he is still betraying me. Don't get me wrong I still check. Cole agreed to let me take his phone whenever to do a check on his facebook and messages. He has strict instructions not to delete anything. But I still fear to find more. And I hate not knowing.
He is trying so hard to fix his problems. He admits he was wrong and he is sick. He sees the pain he has caused me and wants to make it go away. I am so proud of the efforts that he has made but I still have a hard time. He tells me he loves me.. He says he is fighting for me and he doesn't want to lose me. He says he doesn't want to lose his family. I don't trust him. Trust me I want to. But only time will tell.
I'm 50/50 on keeping my marriage. 50% I still see the man I loved. He is still an amazing father to my boys. I see the effort he is making and I want to see us succeed and grow old together. The other 50% I'm so hurt by the betrayal. I don't want to go through this again. And I am so scared to move forward.
I haven't made my choice yet. Like I said Coles choices and actions will determine the outcome from here on out. But the outcome I want most is that we are happy. I can honestly say that no matter what happens I hope we find our happy endings whether we are together or not.
To find my happiness I have to learn to forgive and forget. It would be stupid to try and forget everything. This trial has been a huge learning experience for me. I have and will continue to forgive Cole. I chose to forget the questions. They aren't important. I know I'm beautiful, a great mother, friend and wife. I am more then enough for him. Will the pain ever go away. I'm sure majority of it will. There is no way I will 100% heal from this. But I can try my hardest!
Like I have said a million times. I chose to be happy. I chose to let go of the questions. I chose to forgive.
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