Healing

As you all can guess the last year has been a very new experience for me.  I have had some of the hardest experiences of my life.  I have blossomed and bloomed into a very different person.  Some may see that I have gained some strength in some areas.  And some may see I am lacking strength in others.  Overall  I am handling each unique situation the best way I can.

The biggest thing that I've had to let go of is fear.  For all my life I have always feared disappointing those I love.  I in the past have been such a people pleaser that I have cheated myself instead of disappointing others.  This last year I made a vow to stop doing that.  It has been a complete game changer for me.  I am finding that no matter what there is always something better you can do for yourself.  But as long and you are striving to be your best that is all that matters.  No one is perfect.  And it is impossible to be perfect.

My blog post from last week revealed that I hit a rock bottom with a very devastating situation that happened to me.  Last week was probably the worst week of my life.  But from the pain and sorrow I learned a ton.

The first thing I learned is that I am not alone.  I had so many people reach out to me to let me now I am appreciated and loved.  I had strangers reach out to me.  I had old friends I haven't talked to in a while reach out.  I had some of Coles old military buddies reach out to me.  I found out that I was loved by more people than I thought.  What a tremendous thing it was to be cared for by so many.  If you were one of them thank you.  You have been a huge blessing to me.

The second thing I learned is that when you are in a crisis you make mistakes.  And the biggest thing I learned from those mistakes were not to do them again.  I turned those lose stones into stepping blocks to help me become stronger and to achieve greater heights.

The third thing I found out is people heal in different ways.  I turned to new outlets.  Some people may or may not agree with my choices but they are what worked for me.  I found out that Yoga is an amazing thing and I will definitely be doing it a lot more in the now and future.  I also found out that a girls night at the bar with my close friends turned into a nightmare and I was sick the whole next day regretting my decision. (probably will never be able to look at alcohol again without wanting to throw up.)  But that was my choice to make.  And that was my way of healing.  And most importantly it helped.  It wasn't the best or smartest choice but in that moment I wanted/needed it.  And I learned from that choice.  And I learned not to fear what others think and learned that others need to respect how I heal as long as I am not putting myself or anyone else in danger.

The fourth thing I learned was to follow my gut.  If I didn't follow my gut and follow the inspiration I was given the week prior, I would be in a worse situation.  I would have been lost with out any future plans or ways to get out of my mess.  But instead I was blessed with inspiration, knowledge and love that became a huge help to me.

The fifth thing I found out was that I am a warrior.  I am one tough cookie.  I showed a moment of weakness and from it I became so strong.  I became the mother/wife my family needed during that time.  I wasn't afraid to get my hands dirty to make sure things were done the right way this time.  I showed strength I had no Idea I had inside.  I didn't become controlling,  I became a humble and powerful woman.

Sit Back, Relax, And Enjoy The Ride

Some days I wake up completely happy.  I am so grateful for my boys and what strength and happiness they give me.  I look at Cole and I'm so happy he is changing for the better and working to improve our marriage.  He is finally putting in some effort to save our marriage.  It may be at a snails pace but its better then nothing. Sometimes I get a glimps of the old Cole. The man I feel in love with who would do anything for his family. These short glimpses give me hope. And I need that hope right now.

Some days I wake up and I hate the world.  I get flashes of images I don't want to see in my head.  For some they are unforgivable things.  And I have to suck it up and deal with it because I chose this path.  I chose to fight for my marriage and work things out with Cole.  I even get so made sometimes I wished it progressed to the absolute unforgivable thing so it would be easy for me to hate him and not have to worry about getting hurt again.

Some days I wake up sad.  Sad that I had my heart broken.  Sad that now that I let Cole hug me again I just want to cry and cry.  The first time I let him hug me I cried in his arms for a long time.  He squeezed me tighter and told me to let it out.  I deserved to cry.  He stroked my hair and rubbed my back as I cried my eyes out.  This is a big deal because he hasn't done that for me for years.  I didn't realize till then how distant we had been.

Some days I have all 3 emotions.  Those are my really crazy days.  The worst part is I am at the point where I don't care.  I feel like I deserve to let out my emotions and ponder on how I feel.  I take each day at a time.  At first i was giving deadlines and not being patient. Some say he doesnt deserve it. I somewhat agree. But this is my choice to stay in our broken marriage and try to fix it. He is putting in some effort. As long as he is trying then it is worth it to me. I would love to be a happy family again.

So i have decided to sit back and try to find happiness in this crazy roller coaster ride. It will be hard sometimes during the rough turns. But with each day and each new step I'm learning. And I'm becoming stronger every day.

It Happened

We hit rock bottom.  I did the unthinkable in my case.  I snooped behind his back.  But I'm so glad I did because I found out the horrible truth.  I was able to find out that Cole had been lying and doing horribly inappropriate things behind my back while he was drinking.  I confronted Cole and scared him to death.  I scared him by how smart I am at catching onto things so fast.  I scared him with how calm I was about the situation and I had reached my breaking point.  I looked him in the eye and said I don't want you anymore.  I don't want you to ever touch me again.  I don't care to continue a marriage with you.  You have hurt and betrayed my trust so bad, I'm not sure I want to continue being with you.

His eyes popped out of his head.  He looked at me like he was terrified and he said he wanted me and he wanted his family.  I don't fully believe him.

I gave him a list of requirements.  There are no if or buts.  If he wants a family this is what he has to do.  If he decides not to follow through I'll get a divorce attorney.  I took a step back after I confronted him and was super proud.  If you read my post last week you know that I have learned from the hard things that I have turned into my own hero.  I have gained so much knowledge and emotional strength the last 6 months and they prepared me so well for what happened this week.  Don't get me wrong I am scared of the future and what it holds for us because of our incident.  I don't want a divorce.  Right now I think all men are scumbags so a new spouse is out of the question for a long time.  But I'm also scared to continue a relationship with Cole.

Only time will tell how things go.  And I have no idea what our future holds.  What I do know is I have an amazing support system.  I have the most beautiful and lively boys that bring such happiness to my life.  And most of all I know that I am a freaking amazing person.  And I am not taking any more hurt or pain from the person I loved most.  I deserve love and happiness.  I will no longer settle for less.

Right now I'm admiring the quote the wise Bob Marley once said.  I'm stronger then I ever thought and I will once again be able to enjoy my view at the top of my happy mountain.

My Own Hero

2014 was one of the craziest years of my life.  It started out exciting starting my own business opening up my salon and working from home.  We welcomed our youngest son into the world In the beginning of the year.  And Cole was starting the job process for working at a new better job.  We ended up moving into some in-laws houses while waiting for our move.  It was a lot of change for a small family.

With all the changes it put a lot of stress on mine and Coles relationship.  We both agree divorce was a scary thought at the time and it seemed possible.  I never knew how lonely I could feel when I didn't feel connected with my spouse.  Even though Cole and I worked hard to fix things, I couldn't always rely on him to be there for me emotionally.  

I learned a lot of things for the year 2014.  I know I have said this many times before but I'm kinda grateful for that hard time because it seriously turned my life around.  With every trial I have gone through it has made me a better/stronger/smarter person.  Last year I learned a lot about myself.

The biggest thing I learned is that you can't always rely on your family and friends.  They may always be there for you but they can't help you out of everything.  Sometimes you have to roll up your sleeves and figure it out all on your own.  And with that I rolled up my sleeves and I fixed what needed fixing at that time.  I found out what an amazing mom I am.  What a loving and determined wife I am. That I am dependable of a friend/sister/daughter.  That I am a beautiful individual inside and out.  But mostly I found out that I became my own hero.  I never realized the strength I had within me.  And now that I found that I refuse to let it go.

Sometimes it's nice to have a Knight in shining armor to come to your rescue.  But I have found that it is much more satisfying to find that I am also a hero.  Not just to myself but to others as well.  I have also had a quick answer when people ask me who my hero is.  I always mention my husband and grandfather for their sacrifices they made serving our country.  Now It may sound cheesy but I will probably mention myself. It may confuse others but once I mention the few sacrifices and hard times I have had to deal with in my life. How I  grew instead of let the hard times overcome me and it turned me into a hero.  You can roll your eyes all you want but it won't make me change my mind.  Maybe you should look at your life and see what you have accomplished.  You may not see it but you may be a hero to someone else.  Why can't you be one for yourself as well?

Now

I didn't write a post last week due to the fact that I just needed a break. Life has been crazy with the move and other things that have been going on lately. I just needed to take a break from the blog.  I couldn't have chosen a crazier time in my life to start this blog. But I 100% do not regret starting it because he has been great for me. (I apologize if you were looking forward to post, but the break was exactly what I needed at this time.) 

Now don't worry, I'm happy and right now things are great.  I'm not to the point where I feel 100 percent complete. But I'm slowly getting there, There's a lot I /we still need to work on. I'm sure there'll be a lot of bumpy roads in the near future but also know there will be a lot of smooth roads as well.

With this break I focused a lot of time with my family this last week. I was reminded how much I love my little ones and my husband. And I was able to soak up some pretty happy moments with each of them.  

I saw the pure joy of happiness in my 3 year olds face in an intense game of Jenga.  He refused to lose but insisted I helped him find the lose pieces.  And I adored the smile on his face every time we pulled out a block.  And I finally gave in and made it fall so he could win. I fully enjoyed his sequels of Celebration for winning the game. 

I enjoyed the moment I taught my precious one year old how to blow kisses and how his eyes light up every time he hears the word kiss and he starts blowing kisses.  He is aching to learn more and I'm currently trying to teach him how to high five and fist bump.

And I have enjoyed the moments of cuddling on the couch watching shows with Cole.  What I didn't realize till finally being together again, is how much I missed the mornings with him.  I love how he would wake up to get ready for work, come lay a blanket over me and give me a kiss and tell me he loved me before he went to work. Such a simple things, but something I appreciate he does.  

These are such simple moments but ones that I will cherish forever. During these times I realized I need to remember that during those precious moments I'm where I need to be. I need to sit back and  breathe and enjoy them.  This week has opened up my eyes that I need to be more patient.  I'm still relearning that I need to of course take care of my family.   But sometimes I get so caught up in it I forget to take time for myself. And getting overwhelmed I lose patience for my family. I have heard from many that I am very selfless and very caring and giving.  But sometimes it can be a curse instead of a gift  because I wear myself out.  I have yet to learn a perfect balance.  But no one is perfect and I'll probably never learn.  I just need to realize when things get crazy I need to stop, relax and figure out what is most important and remember to take time to take care of myself.