Yikes!!

I should be thrilled right now.  I should be ecstatic that my family is finally getting our own place.  What was going to be only a few months living with family turned into 9 months.  9 MONTHS!!!  Don't get me wrong I am so grateful to every family member who took Cole and I in while we were waiting for Coles new Job to get started.  Trust me 3 months of feeling like a single mom to my boys while Cole has lived 3 hours away has been rough.  Even with my sisters help it is just hard when you don't have the other parent around to help out everyday.  And believe me I am so excited to have our own space again.  Trust me I am probably going to run around naked for the first few days because I can and I don't have to worry about running into any family members!!!

But why am I so nervous and anxious?  I was driving home from the store thinking about this and it finally dawned on me.

I am scared to live with Cole again.  I have finally gotten into a grove with things, with him not around.  Our separation was needed at the time due to his work starting up and our marriage was failing at the time.  But after some good elbow grease and working hard together, we have found some safe zones.  We have really come a long way from where we were.  And I'm happy with our outcome.  I know we have more work to do.  And I know there are some arguments in the near future to figure out our roles in our marriage with where it is. I plan on finding a therapist to help me. I also plan on having a healthy outlet of negative emotions at the gym still.  Cole is enjoying work and is involved in football so he has his own outlets and "him" time that he needs just as I do.

I am mostly terrified that after all this hard work it will all fall apart again.  Do I expect it to...of course not.  I really think it is going to work out.  (I truly do!)  But I can't deny the inkling feeling that what if it does fall apart?  I want so badly for this to work out.  Cole really does to!  He is still drinking occasionally.  It's not what I want but we made boundaries and agreements that we both were comfortable with.  He even committed to coming to church with me on Sundays only to sacrament meeting to help out with the boys.  Do you know how much that means to me.  It will be so nice to have his help. Especially when before he wanted nothing to do with church.  

The fact that we are both making sacrifices for the other is huge.  It is showing that we respect and care about one another.  It might not be perfectly how we want it.  But pushing each other has never helped us.  It has just caused a problems in our marriage.  And I really believe that with trust and understanding this will all work out.  We may not be perfect but I'm so happy that once again we are starting to care to make the other happy.  

To finish this off I found this amazing quote that a friend posted on her Facebook.  I seriously can not get it out of my head.  I feel like Eyring is speaking directly to me.  Getting our own place feels like the right thing right now.  I just need to follow my heart and listen faithfully for what steps I need to take next.  I am ready to be where the lord wants me to be.

"Please find out what it is the Lord would have you do, believe he has prepared a way for you to do it, and share what he's given you with others. As you do that, you will feel his love and you will become more like him. You will find joy and consolation, you will become sanctified by the gospel, and then you can go home again."
-- Henry B. Eyring