This weekend was a pretty rough weekend. Our Marriage isn't perfect and we hit a rough patch. And the thought kept crossing my mind "Why keep putting up with this." Those who know Cole know what an amazing man he is. You meet him and instantly become friends. He is friendly, funny and nice. He is an extremely hard worker. An AMAZING father (i'm serious he is so good with our kids.) But his drinking problem will always be there. An addiction never goes away.
I still love him very much. I haven't given up on him yet and I don't plan to give up unless I have too. Call me crazy but I know I was suppose to marry him. And even though we have brought each other pain. We have given each other so much love and wonderful memories. I'm terrified one day we will both finally give up and it will be over. (Trust me I don't want this any time soon and I'm in for the long haul. I still have a lot of fight left in me.)
I learned a very valuable lesson this weekend. When Cole and I were having our hard time, I just fell on my knees and prayed for help and strength. But the thing that surprised me was what I thanked my Father in Heaven for. I thanked him for the usual; my husband, my boys, for food and shelter and all my many other blessings. But I also thanked him for this hard trial I am going through. I thanked him for having faith in me to deal with such a hard task. I thanked him for this hard time because I knew it would make me stronger.
I have never thought to thank him for my trials. I hate trials...who does?! But He knows what an amazing person I am and that I will learn and grow from this. I love how much he trusts and loves me and he will help me through this.
I am thankful for My Boys.
I am thankful for my Husband.
I am thankful for my family members and how they are always there for me.
I am thankful for the Gospel.
I am thankful that I am a stay at home mom/ Small business owner where I can work from home.
I am thankful for my many friends and what an impact they have been on my lives.
I am thankful for the things I take for grantide every day such as shelter/food/water/etc.
I AM THANKFUL FOR MY TRIALS. They have made me the woman I am today.
What are you thankful for?
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Thursday, November 20, 2014
My Biggest Fear
Did I fail to mention that I'm LDS or as most of you would label me as I'm a Mormon. Now you will probably understand more why having a alcoholic husband is a huge part of why I have this blog. Faithful Mormons don't drink alcohol. My husband has been an Alcoholic for 4 years now. And this has been such a roller coaster ride with him drinking. Sometimes he is good and on the straight and narrow and then one day all the sudden he gives up and drinks again.
My personal opinion, I don't care if people drink. It's not my place to judge you and think your a horrible person for drinking. Most of my friends are not LDS, they drink and it doesn't bother me at all. I think the world of them, for the people they are and what an impact they have made on my life. But my biggest fear is that one day i'm going to give it all up. Sometimes I want to cave in and have a drink too.
I love the church and I love it's teachings on how important the family is. But it was so much easier when I wasn't faithful and I had a glass of wine at the end of the day. Or I had a few shots with my friends to have a fun relaxing night with them. So now your probably thinking, drink and have fun. But I can't. Not because I think I will be damned to hell if I do. But because I am terrified of enabling my husband to think it's okay to drink.
So many people have enabled him to thinking "It's okay. You have PTSD." Yes he did start drinking heavily from his PTSD from his last deployment. Don't get me wrong I get why he did it. The stories he tells me I think I would have drank to get rid of those memories too. But if you keep giving some one an excuse for their bad behaviors, your not helping them get better. Sympathy does help, but eventually you need to kick them in the Butt and say "It's time you fix this." I have enabled him before and gave him the excuses but as his wife I now encourage him to be his best! Encourage him and praise him when he does well. And when he fails I'm there to pick him up and help him truck through it again.
Cole and I chose to not go to church at the beginning of our marriage because it wasn't important to us at that time. I view it as my time in life when I threw away the rule book and did what I wanted. I got tattoos, drank, went to a lot of fun parties, and made a lot of new friends outside of my religion. I did what I wanted. Do I regret my past...absolutely not! I learned so much during those years and it has made me the person I am today. Yes it makes it harder not to go back to my old ways but I have decided my path.
We went through the Draper Temple to be sealed to my oldest son at the time. And it is seriously one of my most precious, favorite memories. I will never forget my then, 4 month olds hand on top of my husband and my hands and being sealed to each other knowing we will be a family for eternity.
I have made the decision to not drink for my boys and my husbands. I have been told in more than one blessing that I will be a huge influence on my childrens lives. My faithfulness with be seen by them and will effect how faithful they are. I have seen those who are close to me have outrage while drunk and I NEVER want my kids to see me like that. I have decided not to drink because I am doing the best I can. I have seen first hand how drinking can lead to families separating. And let me tell you I will not let that happen to my family. I love them and I will do my best to be the best wife and mom I can be to my family.
But yet I still have that fear that one day I won't be scared anymore and i'll finally let my guard down and give in. Because giving in is so much easier than being the strong one all the time.
Disclouser: I am not in any way saying drinking will turn you into an alcoholic or even drinking will make you a horrible parent. I only gave examples from personal experiences that I have seen from people I know in my life. I only stated them in fear that if I gave up I would encourage myself or Cole to one day get to that point. Like I said before I do not have any hard feelings for those who drink. It's your life and your decision and I am sure you are wonderful people whether you drink or not.
My personal opinion, I don't care if people drink. It's not my place to judge you and think your a horrible person for drinking. Most of my friends are not LDS, they drink and it doesn't bother me at all. I think the world of them, for the people they are and what an impact they have made on my life. But my biggest fear is that one day i'm going to give it all up. Sometimes I want to cave in and have a drink too.
I love the church and I love it's teachings on how important the family is. But it was so much easier when I wasn't faithful and I had a glass of wine at the end of the day. Or I had a few shots with my friends to have a fun relaxing night with them. So now your probably thinking, drink and have fun. But I can't. Not because I think I will be damned to hell if I do. But because I am terrified of enabling my husband to think it's okay to drink.
So many people have enabled him to thinking "It's okay. You have PTSD." Yes he did start drinking heavily from his PTSD from his last deployment. Don't get me wrong I get why he did it. The stories he tells me I think I would have drank to get rid of those memories too. But if you keep giving some one an excuse for their bad behaviors, your not helping them get better. Sympathy does help, but eventually you need to kick them in the Butt and say "It's time you fix this." I have enabled him before and gave him the excuses but as his wife I now encourage him to be his best! Encourage him and praise him when he does well. And when he fails I'm there to pick him up and help him truck through it again.
Cole and I chose to not go to church at the beginning of our marriage because it wasn't important to us at that time. I view it as my time in life when I threw away the rule book and did what I wanted. I got tattoos, drank, went to a lot of fun parties, and made a lot of new friends outside of my religion. I did what I wanted. Do I regret my past...absolutely not! I learned so much during those years and it has made me the person I am today. Yes it makes it harder not to go back to my old ways but I have decided my path.
We went through the Draper Temple to be sealed to my oldest son at the time. And it is seriously one of my most precious, favorite memories. I will never forget my then, 4 month olds hand on top of my husband and my hands and being sealed to each other knowing we will be a family for eternity.
I have made the decision to not drink for my boys and my husbands. I have been told in more than one blessing that I will be a huge influence on my childrens lives. My faithfulness with be seen by them and will effect how faithful they are. I have seen those who are close to me have outrage while drunk and I NEVER want my kids to see me like that. I have decided not to drink because I am doing the best I can. I have seen first hand how drinking can lead to families separating. And let me tell you I will not let that happen to my family. I love them and I will do my best to be the best wife and mom I can be to my family.
But yet I still have that fear that one day I won't be scared anymore and i'll finally let my guard down and give in. Because giving in is so much easier than being the strong one all the time.
Disclouser: I am not in any way saying drinking will turn you into an alcoholic or even drinking will make you a horrible parent. I only gave examples from personal experiences that I have seen from people I know in my life. I only stated them in fear that if I gave up I would encourage myself or Cole to one day get to that point. Like I said before I do not have any hard feelings for those who drink. It's your life and your decision and I am sure you are wonderful people whether you drink or not.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
The Marine Corp Family
This weekend I was able to witness one of those precious moments when you see a troubled service member being swarmed by his fellow comrades to comfort him in his moment of depressing PTSD. We were at the Marine Corp Ball last Saturday and boy was it a fun one! My husband has now been out for 2 years but some of his Marine Buddies decided they want to go one more year. I thought I wasn't going to go to another one till I was old and wrinkly and my husband would be the oldest one there sharing all his war stories with the new PFC's. But my husband asked if we could go a month ago and boy was I excited!
The Marine Corp Ball is just like Prom but 10 times better. You dress up in your fancy Evening gowns and you enjoy a nice dinner followed by a dance afterwards. Why it is better than prom is because there is Alcohol there! No crazy kids trying to spike the punch if your of legal age your dressed up fancy and drinking. Which leads to all the PTSD Outbreaks for those who have their alcoholic problems.
It was about time when we were going to call it a night when in the middle of a picture one of my husbands buddies just started crying. And mumbling he has killed people. He was pretty drunk by this point so my husband and his friends took him outside to get some fresh air and talk. While the rest of us girls hung out in the lobby and watched them through the windows, I was touched by their concern for their buddy. I watched as those men stood by his side and gave him words of encouragement. How instead of making fun of him in his weak moment, they talked to him and told him how they understand.
We civilians will never understand this bond. I don't know how many times I've had to comfort my husband when he remembers the lives lost when he was in battle. Yes I help some, but his fellow marines are the ones who know exactly how he feels and know exactly what to say to help him. I will forever be grateful for Cole's marine buddies who have been available to help him through his dark times. It was nice to see Cole do the same for another marine this time. To be the strong one helping another get back up on his feet. Cole is mostly better but he will always have those memories in his head that will haunt him from his past.
So even though they seem fine when they come back from war, you still need to respect these men and women for what they went through. Some of them still battle with it every day. So hopefully you gave thanks to those you knew this past veterans day. I have so many men in my life who have served in different branches and wars. I will forever be grateful for the sacrifice and dedication to our country that our veterans have provided for us. Thanks to all who have, are currently and will be serving our country.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
I Found My Voice
This title is the whole reason why I decided to write this blog. My husband and I have been having a challenge of communication lately. *Cue in the eye rolls yet ANOTHER blog about communication in a marriage. But my marriage is not what you think. Don't get me wrong I am very happy with my marriage. My husband and I have gone through a lot of hard times and our communication is the one thing that has always fixed our problems. So why do you ask this time is different? Let me give you some background information first.
November 4th 2010 was the day I had had enough of my husbands alcohol abuse. (No not abusing me but he would drink a 5th of alcohol almost every day. A 5TH!) That was the day I went to his work and told him he had 2 choices. A) He could go to the VA and start getting treatment for his addiction and his PTSD. Or B) I was packing his bags and he was going to live at his parents. As any good husband he sucked it up went to the VA and started his treatments.
Now you wonder why I am now taking a big step on making a blog and sharing my thoughts to anyone who finds this blog. I recently learned how that day drastically affected my behaviors. I did what any good wife did I stuck by my husbands side and have been nothing but supportive. But recently I learned that I lost my voice and most of my honest opinions. I was to scared to be brutally honest with my husband in fear that I would hurt his feelings, or even worse make him relapse...again.
My whole life because of other close family members I have learned to bite my tongue in fear of upsetting them. Their feelings come first, I just need to bottle up my emotions in fear of hurting them. But I have finally learned that isn't healthy. I should be free to express my feelings, my wants, my needs.
My problem now is because I had cared more about others feelings and needs I lost my voice, my say, my thoughts. And now that I am finally breaking out of that protective shell, I want to be heard and be honest. My honest/loving husband told me that I sound selfish, blunt and rude sometimes. I don't mean to sound rude. But if someone is hurting my feelings I shouldn't be shamed into not being able to address them politely and telling them. Or at least I should feel safe to share my thoughts/be able to vent to someone safe about something that upsets me. (When I say safe I mean someone I trust to be able to talk to and share my secrets such as friends or close family members.) Every one does it!!! So here is my final thought.... How do you balance it? How are you able to vent and not sound selfish? How do you and your significant other communicate and not feel judged for being completely honest? I'll take any suggestions since I'm in a place of confusion. I don't think I'm entirely wrong and I don't think my husband is either. There has to be a healthy balance.
November 4th 2010 was the day I had had enough of my husbands alcohol abuse. (No not abusing me but he would drink a 5th of alcohol almost every day. A 5TH!) That was the day I went to his work and told him he had 2 choices. A) He could go to the VA and start getting treatment for his addiction and his PTSD. Or B) I was packing his bags and he was going to live at his parents. As any good husband he sucked it up went to the VA and started his treatments.
Now you wonder why I am now taking a big step on making a blog and sharing my thoughts to anyone who finds this blog. I recently learned how that day drastically affected my behaviors. I did what any good wife did I stuck by my husbands side and have been nothing but supportive. But recently I learned that I lost my voice and most of my honest opinions. I was to scared to be brutally honest with my husband in fear that I would hurt his feelings, or even worse make him relapse...again.
My whole life because of other close family members I have learned to bite my tongue in fear of upsetting them. Their feelings come first, I just need to bottle up my emotions in fear of hurting them. But I have finally learned that isn't healthy. I should be free to express my feelings, my wants, my needs.
My problem now is because I had cared more about others feelings and needs I lost my voice, my say, my thoughts. And now that I am finally breaking out of that protective shell, I want to be heard and be honest. My honest/loving husband told me that I sound selfish, blunt and rude sometimes. I don't mean to sound rude. But if someone is hurting my feelings I shouldn't be shamed into not being able to address them politely and telling them. Or at least I should feel safe to share my thoughts/be able to vent to someone safe about something that upsets me. (When I say safe I mean someone I trust to be able to talk to and share my secrets such as friends or close family members.) Every one does it!!! So here is my final thought.... How do you balance it? How are you able to vent and not sound selfish? How do you and your significant other communicate and not feel judged for being completely honest? I'll take any suggestions since I'm in a place of confusion. I don't think I'm entirely wrong and I don't think my husband is either. There has to be a healthy balance.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
The Introduction
This is just the first post. The introduction to why I am even starting this blog. I am in need of a safe place to share my thoughts, wants, wishes and needs. Yes some people may attack me on this blog (hopefully everyone will be nice). But I also feel like I may find others that will reach out and help. Or even better I will write something that will help others. Only time will tell. But first let me Introduce my self.
Hi my name is Beth. I am in my mid 20's and I have been married to my amazing husband Cole for 5+ years. Cole and I have 2 beautiful kids that we love very much. I am a business owner/stay at home mom. Cole was in the Marine Corp for 6 years and now is currently a LEO officer working on a SWAT Team. (If you are wondering yes those are made up names but the rest is true. )
I could go on and on about our life story.... trust me we have some cool stories. I'm sure I'll eventually get to those but first I do want to share with you the significant parts. I LOVE MY HUSBAND! With every hard time we have fought together to fix our problems. The strongest issue we have had is my husbands alcohol addiction. He came back with PTSD from his tour to Afghanistan which later led to his addiction. I hate telling people this in fear that they will judge him. Or worse pity him because he was deployed and he has a good excuse. My thoughts: He is a human he made a mistake. I don't think worse of him but like any addiction, you can have an excuse but I think that just will enable your problem until you finally fix it. I feel it is important to share this because I think a lot of our issues since, have started from this. And with every addiction problem I have learned. And hopefully I can share with those who have the same problem the things I have learned to help you during your hard times. Or maybe it will be in reverse I will have a hard time and you can help give me advise.
I hope to post every Thursday with a new post. Starting this Thursday 10-6-2014. If you wish to follow me cool we will be in this together! If not no harm done we didn't click. I will warn you on one thing, I am horrible at grammar. So if you are one of those who hates incorrect grammar/spelling and so forth this is soooo not the blog for you. Sorry I do try my very best but it has always been one of my biggest weaknesses.
Like I was saying this is my place to share my thoughts, my concerns, my wishes, my want, my needs, MY VOICE. Lets see where this takes us.
Hi my name is Beth. I am in my mid 20's and I have been married to my amazing husband Cole for 5+ years. Cole and I have 2 beautiful kids that we love very much. I am a business owner/stay at home mom. Cole was in the Marine Corp for 6 years and now is currently a LEO officer working on a SWAT Team. (If you are wondering yes those are made up names but the rest is true. )
I could go on and on about our life story.... trust me we have some cool stories. I'm sure I'll eventually get to those but first I do want to share with you the significant parts. I LOVE MY HUSBAND! With every hard time we have fought together to fix our problems. The strongest issue we have had is my husbands alcohol addiction. He came back with PTSD from his tour to Afghanistan which later led to his addiction. I hate telling people this in fear that they will judge him. Or worse pity him because he was deployed and he has a good excuse. My thoughts: He is a human he made a mistake. I don't think worse of him but like any addiction, you can have an excuse but I think that just will enable your problem until you finally fix it. I feel it is important to share this because I think a lot of our issues since, have started from this. And with every addiction problem I have learned. And hopefully I can share with those who have the same problem the things I have learned to help you during your hard times. Or maybe it will be in reverse I will have a hard time and you can help give me advise.
I hope to post every Thursday with a new post. Starting this Thursday 10-6-2014. If you wish to follow me cool we will be in this together! If not no harm done we didn't click. I will warn you on one thing, I am horrible at grammar. So if you are one of those who hates incorrect grammar/spelling and so forth this is soooo not the blog for you. Sorry I do try my very best but it has always been one of my biggest weaknesses.
Like I was saying this is my place to share my thoughts, my concerns, my wishes, my want, my needs, MY VOICE. Lets see where this takes us.
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