Gaslighting

I look back now on the last year of our marriage and all the hard times we went through. The hardest months when Cole pointed his finger at me and made me feel like I was the one destroying our marriage, I find out that he betraying me behind my back. He was so good at distracting me from seeing what was going on behind my back by pointing out the small flaws in me.  When in fact there was a huge elephant in the room screaming at me.  I look back now at how naive I was  and curse at myself.  I had doubts and suspicions that something like this was going on.  But I ignored my gut thinking there was no way he would ever do that to me.  Would never cause the pain I am now in.  He would never betray our marriage so bad that I would be contemplating divorce right now. But now I see the truth and all the lies and distractions he made. He distracted me so well that he was able to get away with his bad choices for months.

I knew then that he was sick from his alcohol addiction and he didn't want to admit that it was him. When in fact he was starting a whole new form of betrayal.  I still have yet to find out if he has a new addiction.  My gut says yes but he swears there isn't.  Right now I trust my gut more then I trust him.  My gut has been more honest to me than he has. He is willing to go to therapy and support groups to prove it's not as bad as I fear it may be. I pray he proves me wrong.

What am I doing now?

I'm separating my emotions to him. It hurts to much to care right now.

I Listen to what he has to say.....But that doesn't mean I believe him.

I encourage him to keep being stronger and getting help.  Whether we end up together or apart I care that he is happy in the end.

And the most important thing.  I'm finding my own happiness....once again.  I'm enjoying the small things.  A bowl of my favorite Ice cream at night.  A long bubble bath after the boys are asleep at night.  I take time at my work to have happy conversations with my clients.  (thank goodness for my job.  I love every second of it and it has been such a good distraction). Taking the boys to the park and enjoying their smiles.  I even snuck a few minutes on the swing for my self.  When I was younger the swings were my favorite thing at the park.  I could swing on it for hours.  There was something about the sun on my face and the wind in my hair that brought me happiness. 

For too long I sacrificed my happiness for Coles.  And he selfishly took it and took it for granted.  My husband is sick.  He has never been the same from his deployment from Afghanistan.  He fights demons from his deployments and his work that he has had to deal with in his past.  With the few stories he has shared with me I can't imagine what hell he has had to go through in his life.  And I ache for him to be free from his pain.

But I will no longer sacrifice myself to help him.  He needs to fight this on his own.  He used and abused me and I will no longer let that happen.  I chose to be happy.  If he wishes to be in my life forever he needs to find his happiness on his own and vow to love and cherish me forever.  I deserve it.