Let me take a minute to laugh because I have shared this blog with a few select members of my family....I'm sure this title threw them off guard...hehe
Okay on the more serious note. Cole and I have been separated for months now. Some of it by choice and some of it not. Right now....I think it's a little of both. We moved to a different state for a better job opportunity for Cole. He started his job and moved in with his brother who lived 5 minutes away from his work. I on the other hand decided to move in with my sister as they have more room for me and my kids and I missed my sister and her family and wanted to spend time with them. Cole and I live 2 1/2 hours away from each other. We have made a few trips to see each other but the separation has been good for us. I honestly think we needed a break from each other. And living apart has opened up my eyes a lot. I have learned so many things during this separation. I have learned to be myself more and to make sure to appreciate "my time" and do things for myself not just be a mom robot every day. And I have learned a lot about Cole and some hard things he has been battling. I still don't know everything but I'm figuring it out...very slowly.
A huge thing I realized is that for the past 6 or 7 months I have been sleeping with a stranger. Cole looks like my husband. He smells amazing like my husband. His hands feel like my husbands. His voice booms with the rhythmic tones my husbands voice does. He dresses the same as my husband. But Cole is a whole different person right now.
Remember my post on "Meet Hank"? (If you haven't Click here) Any addict whether they are in recovery or not sometimes have a split personality. Hank has taken over my Cole. He is sad, lonely, depressed and quick to anger. And it honestly pains me to see my husband go through this. The thing is I can only do so much. He is a very dependent man and he wants to fix this on his own. Right now I'm only allowed to cheer him on the side lines. He can decide whether he wants to hear my cheers and advice or completely ignore them.
But out of everything I have learned the hardest thing I came to terms with is I don't love Cole anymore. I love what a good husband he is. I love how he is a driven hard worker. I love so many things about him. I could make a huge long list. But I don't love him as a spouse. I have been pushed away and hurt to much I have cut a few ties to him for my emotional safety. I started not caring and now I have found that I lost my love for him doing this.
Don't be too alarmed. Recently we had a very good talk. We admitted we both have this problem. We have fallen out of love. But now is the time where we need to decide are we going to fix this. Or leave this as we are good friends and we want to stay that way for our boys. Due to recent decisions together we have decided we have something worth fighting for right now. But it is going to take some time and patience. We need to work on caring about the other person again. And hopefully soon feeling comfortable to move in together again. (Did I mention we have an offer on a house pending to close on March 25th! Yikes! But over and over again this house feels right to me)
All I can do is focusing on caring for myself, for Cole and caring for my kids. The biggest thing I have going for me is I know my Father in Heaven loves me and he has a plan for me. I'm having a hard time being Idle and putting all my faith in him and his plan. But what comforts me most is he has an end result for me. And he has promised me time and time again.... I will be happy!
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Thursday, February 19, 2015
The Dream
(Just a warning this is a looong post. Make sure your kids are occupied with something and you have a bowl of popcorn). :) Also this post may be triggering to some of my readers because I get some traffic from my wonderful sisters blog awiferedeemed. So just be warned)
I shoot up from my slumber in a panic! Ugh what an awful dream! I am drenched in sweat. I look at the alarm clock, 3:32 AM. I think I'm going to hurl!....I tiptoe to the bathroom and close the door, careful to not wake up my sleeping babe I share a room with. I turn on the light and take a look at myself. I turn on the water and splash some cold water on my face to wash off some of the sweat. The feeling of throwing up is gone...that's good. No need for a shower I'm going to the gym in the morning so I'll shower after that. I take off my sweaty clothes and put on some fresh pj's. Now that I'm more comfortable I climb back into bed. I'm tossing and turning because I can't get the dang dream out of my head. Ugh stupid nightmare!! It felt so real though! That is probably what was so upsetting. And of course the timing is horrible. If I had this dream a year ago I would have woken a little upset but would easily laugh it off.....it's only a dream.........cue the eye roll.
My dream is I pull up to Cole's apartment. In my dream we have been separated for a long time he got his own place. We have been working on our relationship and are close to ending the separation. It is 6 pm and Cole is just getting off of work. He told me he wanted me to come over sometime this week to hang out again. I shot him a text earlier saying I'm heading to his place to make some dinner for us. I pull out my key he gave me to his place. I get to his door, unlock it and walk in. Immediately I'm panicked....there are clothes everywhere........not just Coles. I see High heels. I see cute girl jeans and a shirt. What. The. H E Double Hockey Sticks!
I run to the bedroom to see an old friend in bed with Cole. She grabs her things and leaves. But she doesn't leave in a panicked "crap I got caught" way. She leaves with a smug smile and the look of "ha he is mine now." This girl. lets call her.......Nancy. She is an old high school colleague. She dated one of mine and Coles friends after high school. I never really liked her because she was the fancy High heel stuck up girl obsessed with looking like barbie. She was also in a way sluty...Of course this is Utah slutty I'm talking about. Not the type that slept with a new guy every night. The type that she had no trouble getting a guy because she had low standards. And the men tended to come and go quickly...never kept a guy for a long time. The most upsetting thing was I always thought this girl was gross. The kind of gross that you know she showered all the time but your not sure water and soap could wash off the yuck. And that yuck was all over my cheating husband!
Cole doesn't even budge. He just looks at me like "well now you know". So much for the text. I guess his phone was in his pants in the living room while he was....ugh. It is everything in me not to jump on the bed and clobber him, gouge out his eyes, and break.......something! I stand there dazed and pissed off. I can't do anything irrational. He has law enforcement training, I can't do anything stupid he is too smart for that. Plus the kids! I don't want them to ever hear I was a crazy woman who lost her mind and killed their dad or set his apartment on fire. I begin to cry thinking of my boys. Ugh my life sucks now. I'm getting a divorce.
I look at him.
Beth: "Why would you do this? I thought we were getting somewhere? I thought you wanted to be with me?"
Cole: "I don't love you anymore. I haven't for a while. I just wanted to work it out for the boys"
Beth: "Working it out that you thought other women in your bed would help?!"
Cole: "I tried okay. I just got lonely. Plus it's just Nancy. It's not like I slept with a hooker."
Beth: "I don't care if she is a hooker or not. You slept with someone else! I'm done! There is no getting past this hurt. Good bye Cole."
I'm storming out of the apartment and run through the front door.....This is when I wake up.
Do I think Cole is cheating on me? I hiiiighly doubt it. This dream just upset me so much because our marriage is rocky. Last Saturday I texted Cole in a panic asking if buying a house was a bad idea. He was on his way out with buddies and he said he would call me back later. He called me at 1:30 in the morning and we talked for 2 hours. We admitted things were bad and maybe the house was a bad idea. But I admitted the most horrifying truth of all. "I don't love you anymore".
Now don't get your panties in a bunch. We aren't getting divorced. That phone call was the best thing for us right now. We were finally completely honest and it was something we needed to hear from each other. We BOTH admitted we don't love each other. Right now we are just co existing. We put up with each other. We don't love each other as husband and wife. We love things about the other person and we know we don't want to get a divorce. We know the other person is amazing and we could never find anyone to replace each other.
Right now we are working on caring. We are trying not to only call because we have to. We call because we want to. We are thinking of the other person and genuinely want to talk to them (minus the calls for the kids or about the house). We aren't throwing the words "I love you" away. Those words are precious and we agree it is only going to be said when we mean it. Right now I feel like we are finally stepping in sync. And sometimes we stumble. But I am finally feeling like the fog is clearing. It is hard at times. I long for the emotional and physical attachment to my husband...I miss it. But right now is not the time...it's too soon.
How am I? Amazingly good. Like the kind of good that I am waking up with a smile and going about my day laughing and enjoying my time with the loved ones around me. Cole is 2 hours away at a family members so I think us not living together is good. It was a separation because of work and not enough room for the boys and I at his family members house that he is staying at. A break is needed right now. And i'm completely okay with it. I am actually starting to miss him again. I don't get annoyed when he calls anymore (Every time he called before I figured we were going to get in some small argument...which it usually did). Our texts are starting to get genuine and we are starting to care about the other person and how their day is going. We aren't to the point of throwing out "I love you's" but I don't think that is to far away. And as for the house we are still going for it. I have a gut feeling that this is what needs to happen. I keep praying asking if this is the right decision and every time I have a good feeling. The house buying process has been fairly easy with hardly any set backs. Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I just have to trust him.
Honestly I feel amazing. Like a ton of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm taking care of myself and I'm started to care for Cole again. He is an amazing guy. And I can't wait to fall in love with him again. Right now it is all about the baby steps. But eventually I know we will be back at full speed. He is my partner in crime and he isn't worth giving up on.
I shoot up from my slumber in a panic! Ugh what an awful dream! I am drenched in sweat. I look at the alarm clock, 3:32 AM. I think I'm going to hurl!....I tiptoe to the bathroom and close the door, careful to not wake up my sleeping babe I share a room with. I turn on the light and take a look at myself. I turn on the water and splash some cold water on my face to wash off some of the sweat. The feeling of throwing up is gone...that's good. No need for a shower I'm going to the gym in the morning so I'll shower after that. I take off my sweaty clothes and put on some fresh pj's. Now that I'm more comfortable I climb back into bed. I'm tossing and turning because I can't get the dang dream out of my head. Ugh stupid nightmare!! It felt so real though! That is probably what was so upsetting. And of course the timing is horrible. If I had this dream a year ago I would have woken a little upset but would easily laugh it off.....it's only a dream.........cue the eye roll.
My dream is I pull up to Cole's apartment. In my dream we have been separated for a long time he got his own place. We have been working on our relationship and are close to ending the separation. It is 6 pm and Cole is just getting off of work. He told me he wanted me to come over sometime this week to hang out again. I shot him a text earlier saying I'm heading to his place to make some dinner for us. I pull out my key he gave me to his place. I get to his door, unlock it and walk in. Immediately I'm panicked....there are clothes everywhere........not just Coles. I see High heels. I see cute girl jeans and a shirt. What. The. H E Double Hockey Sticks!
I run to the bedroom to see an old friend in bed with Cole. She grabs her things and leaves. But she doesn't leave in a panicked "crap I got caught" way. She leaves with a smug smile and the look of "ha he is mine now." This girl. lets call her.......Nancy. She is an old high school colleague. She dated one of mine and Coles friends after high school. I never really liked her because she was the fancy High heel stuck up girl obsessed with looking like barbie. She was also in a way sluty...Of course this is Utah slutty I'm talking about. Not the type that slept with a new guy every night. The type that she had no trouble getting a guy because she had low standards. And the men tended to come and go quickly...never kept a guy for a long time. The most upsetting thing was I always thought this girl was gross. The kind of gross that you know she showered all the time but your not sure water and soap could wash off the yuck. And that yuck was all over my cheating husband!
Cole doesn't even budge. He just looks at me like "well now you know". So much for the text. I guess his phone was in his pants in the living room while he was....ugh. It is everything in me not to jump on the bed and clobber him, gouge out his eyes, and break.......something! I stand there dazed and pissed off. I can't do anything irrational. He has law enforcement training, I can't do anything stupid he is too smart for that. Plus the kids! I don't want them to ever hear I was a crazy woman who lost her mind and killed their dad or set his apartment on fire. I begin to cry thinking of my boys. Ugh my life sucks now. I'm getting a divorce.
I look at him.
Beth: "Why would you do this? I thought we were getting somewhere? I thought you wanted to be with me?"
Cole: "I don't love you anymore. I haven't for a while. I just wanted to work it out for the boys"
Beth: "Working it out that you thought other women in your bed would help?!"
Cole: "I tried okay. I just got lonely. Plus it's just Nancy. It's not like I slept with a hooker."
Beth: "I don't care if she is a hooker or not. You slept with someone else! I'm done! There is no getting past this hurt. Good bye Cole."
I'm storming out of the apartment and run through the front door.....This is when I wake up.
Do I think Cole is cheating on me? I hiiiighly doubt it. This dream just upset me so much because our marriage is rocky. Last Saturday I texted Cole in a panic asking if buying a house was a bad idea. He was on his way out with buddies and he said he would call me back later. He called me at 1:30 in the morning and we talked for 2 hours. We admitted things were bad and maybe the house was a bad idea. But I admitted the most horrifying truth of all. "I don't love you anymore".
Now don't get your panties in a bunch. We aren't getting divorced. That phone call was the best thing for us right now. We were finally completely honest and it was something we needed to hear from each other. We BOTH admitted we don't love each other. Right now we are just co existing. We put up with each other. We don't love each other as husband and wife. We love things about the other person and we know we don't want to get a divorce. We know the other person is amazing and we could never find anyone to replace each other.
Right now we are working on caring. We are trying not to only call because we have to. We call because we want to. We are thinking of the other person and genuinely want to talk to them (minus the calls for the kids or about the house). We aren't throwing the words "I love you" away. Those words are precious and we agree it is only going to be said when we mean it. Right now I feel like we are finally stepping in sync. And sometimes we stumble. But I am finally feeling like the fog is clearing. It is hard at times. I long for the emotional and physical attachment to my husband...I miss it. But right now is not the time...it's too soon.
How am I? Amazingly good. Like the kind of good that I am waking up with a smile and going about my day laughing and enjoying my time with the loved ones around me. Cole is 2 hours away at a family members so I think us not living together is good. It was a separation because of work and not enough room for the boys and I at his family members house that he is staying at. A break is needed right now. And i'm completely okay with it. I am actually starting to miss him again. I don't get annoyed when he calls anymore (Every time he called before I figured we were going to get in some small argument...which it usually did). Our texts are starting to get genuine and we are starting to care about the other person and how their day is going. We aren't to the point of throwing out "I love you's" but I don't think that is to far away. And as for the house we are still going for it. I have a gut feeling that this is what needs to happen. I keep praying asking if this is the right decision and every time I have a good feeling. The house buying process has been fairly easy with hardly any set backs. Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I just have to trust him.
Honestly I feel amazing. Like a ton of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm taking care of myself and I'm started to care for Cole again. He is an amazing guy. And I can't wait to fall in love with him again. Right now it is all about the baby steps. But eventually I know we will be back at full speed. He is my partner in crime and he isn't worth giving up on.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Please Make Your Own Bed
I'm starting to realize lately that I have been the one that has been blamed in my marriage. I'm the one that is always doing something wrong. I am the controlling one. I am the one who wont let the past go.
I totally agree that there are things that I can fix. No one is perfect. I definitely need to be more aware and listen to my boys. I'm so use to toning them out sometimes because I'm sick of hearing "mom. mom. mom!" Allll Dayyyy longggg I need to be more patient and address them in the beginning and listen and help them. And they need to learn that sometimes mom needs her time. We all have something to learn.
But I'm finding that Cole lately has been pointing fingers at me for the majority of our problems. I occasionally would point things out that I needed him to work on as well. But majority of our fights he would put all the blame on me.
He doesn't think he has an addiction problem. And I believe that his addiction is the core problem for our arguments. We both are on opposite sides and it is hard to find a happy medium. For once though we were able to have a good conversation where we were both able to be 100% honest and express our fears that we have in our relationships. Say what the other person does that really upsets us. Be able to admit our faults and say yes we need to fix them. But we never came to an agreement to the alcohol. Is he an addict or is he not. We both have different opinions.
So the only thing we could agree on is that I should no longer accuse him that he has an addiction. And he will respect my boundaries. If he doesn't respect my boundaries or he has a bad outbreak from his addiction, then he will admit he is an alcoholic and he will get professional help.
So I have come to a decision. So many times I have looked the other way when he has done this. In a way he is making a mess in our bed. And this time I'm not going to help him fix it. I will always love him and cheer him on to do his best/get better. But this time I'm not getting my hands dirty. He needs to make his own decisions now. If he stays on this path and he handles the alcohol fine then I have nothing to worry about. He is keeping his promise. But if he destroys the bed again I am not going to helping him fix it again. He will have to learn on his own this time, how he can overcome his problem. He can look to me for support. But he can no longer expect me to get my hands dirty again to help him.
In a way I feel like this is a better decision because I'm sick of cleaning up his messes and he is sick of me not being able to trust him. We both feel safe with our decision and we both have consequences if we do not stick to our agreements. Neither of us is 100% happy but this is a great place to start. And I have hope that one day in the near future, we will come to a place where we are both happy and we don't have to worry about this issue.
Call me crazy but I appreciate these hard times. I have found that my marriage has had it's ups and downs. The downs have been very good learning experiences for us. And I always find that we grow stronger as a couple. It sucks at the time, but later I always look back and think that it somehow turned out alright. We went from a crappy moment to a beautiful learning experience and we both were able to grow from it.
I totally agree that there are things that I can fix. No one is perfect. I definitely need to be more aware and listen to my boys. I'm so use to toning them out sometimes because I'm sick of hearing "mom. mom. mom!" Allll Dayyyy longggg I need to be more patient and address them in the beginning and listen and help them. And they need to learn that sometimes mom needs her time. We all have something to learn.
But I'm finding that Cole lately has been pointing fingers at me for the majority of our problems. I occasionally would point things out that I needed him to work on as well. But majority of our fights he would put all the blame on me.
He doesn't think he has an addiction problem. And I believe that his addiction is the core problem for our arguments. We both are on opposite sides and it is hard to find a happy medium. For once though we were able to have a good conversation where we were both able to be 100% honest and express our fears that we have in our relationships. Say what the other person does that really upsets us. Be able to admit our faults and say yes we need to fix them. But we never came to an agreement to the alcohol. Is he an addict or is he not. We both have different opinions.
So the only thing we could agree on is that I should no longer accuse him that he has an addiction. And he will respect my boundaries. If he doesn't respect my boundaries or he has a bad outbreak from his addiction, then he will admit he is an alcoholic and he will get professional help.
So I have come to a decision. So many times I have looked the other way when he has done this. In a way he is making a mess in our bed. And this time I'm not going to help him fix it. I will always love him and cheer him on to do his best/get better. But this time I'm not getting my hands dirty. He needs to make his own decisions now. If he stays on this path and he handles the alcohol fine then I have nothing to worry about. He is keeping his promise. But if he destroys the bed again I am not going to helping him fix it again. He will have to learn on his own this time, how he can overcome his problem. He can look to me for support. But he can no longer expect me to get my hands dirty again to help him.
In a way I feel like this is a better decision because I'm sick of cleaning up his messes and he is sick of me not being able to trust him. We both feel safe with our decision and we both have consequences if we do not stick to our agreements. Neither of us is 100% happy but this is a great place to start. And I have hope that one day in the near future, we will come to a place where we are both happy and we don't have to worry about this issue.
Call me crazy but I appreciate these hard times. I have found that my marriage has had it's ups and downs. The downs have been very good learning experiences for us. And I always find that we grow stronger as a couple. It sucks at the time, but later I always look back and think that it somehow turned out alright. We went from a crappy moment to a beautiful learning experience and we both were able to grow from it.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
I'm A Mountain Climber
I thought of an analogy the other day and I feel like I'm a genius because I thought of it...:)
Cole and I are mountain climbers. The first 3 years of our marriage we were always on the same page and climbed this mountain together step by step. We finally reached the peak and we were happy and enjoying the beautiful view. But eventually Cole decided he didn't want to stop and he wanted to keep exploring.
So he searched all over on the top of this peak and he found a slippery slope. He found it and he decided to slide down it. He had a blast while doing it. But once he got to the bottom he realized he wanted to be on top with me again. So I had to make the long climb down and we climbed back up this slope together, step by step. Once again we finally made it to the top and we were happy.
Well Cole eventually would find the slope again and he decided to have fun sliding down it. And I of course, heard him calling asking to come back up and I would go down and I climbed down to him and we would climb back up together, step by step. This has repeated over and over again. My husband wants to have fun sliding down the slope and I am happy and content staying up at the peak.
Right now Cole is down at the bottom and he is calling for me to come get him. I have climbed half way down the mountain but I have sat down to think about our situation. I don't know how many more times I want to climb down and help him. Half of me loves him and wants to help him up. But the other half of me is exhausted and doesn't want to go through this repetition again. For once I just want to play it by ear. I'm happy where I'm at, but i'm not going to keep climbing down there. If he decides he wants to climb up... cool. If he wants to stay down there...cool. I'm just going to enjoy our mountain and if he wants to keep climbing up and sliding down the slope than more power to him.
Me being concerned about his actions and decisions isn't going to do any good and he has a right to make his own. I'm just going to enjoy the beautiful view.
Cole and I are mountain climbers. The first 3 years of our marriage we were always on the same page and climbed this mountain together step by step. We finally reached the peak and we were happy and enjoying the beautiful view. But eventually Cole decided he didn't want to stop and he wanted to keep exploring.
So he searched all over on the top of this peak and he found a slippery slope. He found it and he decided to slide down it. He had a blast while doing it. But once he got to the bottom he realized he wanted to be on top with me again. So I had to make the long climb down and we climbed back up this slope together, step by step. Once again we finally made it to the top and we were happy.
Well Cole eventually would find the slope again and he decided to have fun sliding down it. And I of course, heard him calling asking to come back up and I would go down and I climbed down to him and we would climb back up together, step by step. This has repeated over and over again. My husband wants to have fun sliding down the slope and I am happy and content staying up at the peak.
Right now Cole is down at the bottom and he is calling for me to come get him. I have climbed half way down the mountain but I have sat down to think about our situation. I don't know how many more times I want to climb down and help him. Half of me loves him and wants to help him up. But the other half of me is exhausted and doesn't want to go through this repetition again. For once I just want to play it by ear. I'm happy where I'm at, but i'm not going to keep climbing down there. If he decides he wants to climb up... cool. If he wants to stay down there...cool. I'm just going to enjoy our mountain and if he wants to keep climbing up and sliding down the slope than more power to him.
Me being concerned about his actions and decisions isn't going to do any good and he has a right to make his own. I'm just going to enjoy the beautiful view.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)