I've Been Sleeping With a Stranger!

Let me take a minute to laugh because I have shared this blog with a few select members of my family....I'm sure this title threw them off guard...hehe

Okay on the more serious note.  Cole and I have been separated for months now.  Some of it by choice and some of it not.  Right now....I think it's a little of both.  We moved to a different state for a better job opportunity for Cole.  He started his job and moved in with his brother who lived 5 minutes away from his work.  I on the other hand decided to move in with my sister as they have more room for me and my kids and I missed my sister and her family and wanted to spend time with them.  Cole and I live 2 1/2 hours away from each other.  We have made a few trips to see each other but the separation has been good for us.  I honestly think we needed a break from each other.  And living apart has opened up my eyes a lot.  I have learned so many things during this separation.  I have learned to be myself more and to make sure to appreciate "my time" and do things for myself not just be a mom robot every day.  And I have learned a lot about Cole and some hard things he has been battling.  I still don't know everything but I'm figuring it out...very slowly.

A huge thing I realized is that for the past 6 or 7 months I have been sleeping with a stranger.  Cole looks like my husband.  He smells amazing like my husband.  His hands feel like my husbands.  His voice booms with the rhythmic tones my husbands voice does.  He dresses the same as my husband.  But Cole is a whole different person right now.

Remember my post on "Meet Hank"? (If you haven't  Click here)  Any addict whether they are in recovery or not sometimes have a split personality.  Hank has taken over my Cole.  He is sad, lonely, depressed and quick to anger.  And it honestly pains me to see my husband go through this.  The thing is I can only do so much.  He is a very dependent man and he wants to fix this on his own.  Right now I'm only allowed to cheer him on the side lines.  He can decide whether he wants to hear my cheers and advice or completely ignore them.

But out of everything I have learned the hardest thing I came to terms with is I don't love Cole anymore.  I love what a good husband he is.  I love how he is a driven hard worker.  I love so many things about him.  I could make a huge long list.  But I don't love him as a spouse.  I have been pushed away and hurt to much I have cut a few ties to him for my emotional safety.  I started not caring and now I have found that I lost my love for him doing this.

Don't be too alarmed.  Recently we had a very good talk.  We admitted we both have this problem.  We have fallen out of love.  But now is the time where we need to decide are we going to fix this.  Or leave this as we are good friends and we want to stay that way for our boys.  Due to recent decisions together we have decided we have something worth fighting for right now.  But it is going to take some time and patience.  We need to work on caring about the other person again.  And hopefully soon feeling comfortable to move in together again.  (Did I mention we have an offer on a house pending to close on March 25th! Yikes! But over and over again this house feels right to me)

All I can do is focusing on caring for myself,  for Cole and caring for my kids.  The biggest thing I have going for me is I know my Father in Heaven loves me and he has a plan for me.  I'm having a hard time being Idle and putting all my faith in him and his plan.  But what comforts me most is he has an end result for me.  And he has promised me time and time again.... I will be happy!