The Dream

(Just a warning this is a looong post. Make sure your kids are occupied with something and you have a bowl of popcorn). :)   Also this post may be triggering to some of my readers because I get some traffic from my wonderful sisters blog awiferedeemed. So just be warned)

I shoot up from my slumber in a panic!  Ugh what an awful dream!  I am drenched in sweat.  I look at the alarm clock, 3:32 AM. I think I'm going to hurl!....I tiptoe to the bathroom and close the door, careful to not wake up my sleeping babe I share a room with.  I turn on the light and take a look at myself.  I turn on the water and splash some cold water on my face to wash off some of the sweat.  The feeling of throwing up is gone...that's good. No need for a shower I'm going to the gym in the morning so I'll shower after that. I take off my sweaty clothes and put on some fresh pj's. Now that I'm more comfortable I climb back into bed.  I'm tossing and turning because I can't get the dang dream out of my head.  Ugh stupid nightmare!!  It felt so real though!  That is probably what was so upsetting.  And of course the timing is horrible.  If I had this dream a year ago I would have woken a little upset but would easily laugh it off.....it's only a dream.........cue the eye roll.

My dream is I pull up to Cole's apartment.  In my dream we have been separated for a long time he got his own place.  We have been working on our relationship and are close to ending the separation. It is 6 pm and Cole is just getting off of work. He told me he wanted me to come over sometime this week to hang out again.  I shot him a text earlier saying I'm heading to his place to make some dinner for us.  I pull out my key he gave me to his place.  I get to his door, unlock it and walk in.  Immediately I'm panicked....there are clothes everywhere........not just Coles.  I see High heels.  I see cute girl jeans and a shirt.  What. The. H E Double Hockey Sticks!

I run to the bedroom to see an old friend in bed with Cole.  She grabs her things and leaves.  But she doesn't leave in a panicked "crap I got caught" way.  She leaves with a smug smile and the look of "ha he is mine now."  This girl. lets call her.......Nancy.  She is an old high school colleague.  She dated one of mine and Coles friends after high school.  I never really liked her because she was the fancy High heel stuck up girl obsessed with looking like barbie.  She was also in a way sluty...Of course this is Utah slutty I'm talking about.  Not the type that slept with a new guy every night.  The type that she had no trouble getting a guy because she had low standards. And the men tended to come and go quickly...never kept a guy for a long time. The most upsetting thing was I always thought this girl was gross.  The kind of gross that you know she showered all the time but your not sure water and soap could wash off the yuck.  And that yuck was all over my cheating husband!

Cole doesn't even budge.  He just looks at me like "well now you know".  So much for the text.  I guess his phone was in his pants in the living room while he was....ugh. It is everything in me not to jump on the bed and clobber him, gouge out his eyes, and break.......something!  I stand there dazed and pissed off.  I can't do anything irrational.  He has law enforcement training, I can't do anything stupid he is too smart for that.  Plus the kids! I don't want them to ever hear I was a crazy woman who lost her mind and killed their dad or set his apartment on fire.  I begin to cry thinking of my boys.  Ugh my life sucks now.  I'm getting a divorce.

I look at him.

Beth: "Why would you do this? I thought we were getting somewhere?  I thought you wanted to be with me?"

Cole:  "I don't love you anymore.  I haven't for a while.  I just wanted to work it out for the boys"

Beth:  "Working it out that you thought other women in your bed would help?!"

Cole: "I tried okay.  I just got lonely.  Plus it's just Nancy.  It's not like I slept with a hooker."

Beth:  "I don't care if she is a hooker or not.  You slept with someone else!  I'm done!  There is no getting past this hurt.  Good bye Cole."

I'm storming out of the apartment and run through the front door.....This is when I wake up.



Do I think Cole is cheating on me?  I hiiiighly doubt it.  This dream just upset me so much because our marriage is rocky.  Last Saturday I texted Cole in a panic asking if buying a house was a bad idea.  He was on his way out with buddies and he said he would call me back later.  He called me at 1:30 in the morning and we talked for 2 hours. We admitted things were bad and maybe the house was a bad idea.  But I admitted the most horrifying truth of all.  "I don't love you anymore".

Now don't get your panties in a bunch.  We aren't getting divorced.  That phone call was the best thing for us right now.  We were finally completely honest and it was something we needed to hear from each other.  We BOTH admitted we don't love each other.  Right now we are just co existing.  We put up with each other.  We don't love each other as husband and wife.  We love things about the other person and we know we don't want to get a divorce.  We know the other person is amazing and we could never find anyone to replace each other.

Right now we are working on caring.  We are trying not to only call because we have to.  We call because we want to.  We are thinking of the other person and genuinely want to talk to them (minus the calls for the kids or about the house).  We aren't throwing the words "I love you" away.  Those words are precious and we agree it is only going to be said when we mean it. Right now I feel like we are finally stepping in sync.  And sometimes we stumble.  But I am finally feeling like the fog is clearing. It is hard at times.  I long for the emotional and physical attachment to my husband...I miss it.  But right now is not the time...it's too soon.

How am I?  Amazingly good.  Like the kind of good that I am waking up with a smile and going about my day laughing and enjoying my time with the loved ones around me.  Cole is 2 hours away at a family members so I think us not living together is good. It was a separation because of work and not enough room for the boys and I at his family members house that he is staying at. A break is needed right now. And i'm completely okay with it.  I am actually starting to miss him again.  I don't get annoyed when he calls anymore (Every time he called before I figured we were going to get in some small argument...which it usually did).   Our texts are starting to get genuine and we are starting to care about the other person and how their day is going.  We aren't to the point of throwing out "I love you's"  but I don't think that is to far away.  And as for the house we are still going for it.  I have a gut feeling that this is what needs to happen.  I keep praying asking if this is the right decision and every time I have a good feeling.  The house buying process has been fairly easy with hardly any set backs.  Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  I just have to trust him.

Honestly I feel amazing.  Like a ton of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I'm taking care of myself and I'm started to care for Cole again.  He is an amazing guy.  And I can't wait to fall in love with him again.  Right now it is all about the baby steps. But eventually I know we will be back at full speed. He is my partner in crime and he isn't worth giving up on.