I'm starting to realize lately that I have been the one that has been blamed in my marriage. I'm the one that is always doing something wrong. I am the controlling one. I am the one who wont let the past go.
I totally agree that there are things that I can fix. No one is perfect. I definitely need to be more aware and listen to my boys. I'm so use to toning them out sometimes because I'm sick of hearing "mom. mom. mom!" Allll Dayyyy longggg I need to be more patient and address them in the beginning and listen and help them. And they need to learn that sometimes mom needs her time. We all have something to learn.
But I'm finding that Cole lately has been pointing fingers at me for the majority of our problems. I occasionally would point things out that I needed him to work on as well. But majority of our fights he would put all the blame on me.
He doesn't think he has an addiction problem. And I believe that his addiction is the core problem for our arguments. We both are on opposite sides and it is hard to find a happy medium. For once though we were able to have a good conversation where we were both able to be 100% honest and express our fears that we have in our relationships. Say what the other person does that really upsets us. Be able to admit our faults and say yes we need to fix them. But we never came to an agreement to the alcohol. Is he an addict or is he not. We both have different opinions.
So the only thing we could agree on is that I should no longer accuse him that he has an addiction. And he will respect my boundaries. If he doesn't respect my boundaries or he has a bad outbreak from his addiction, then he will admit he is an alcoholic and he will get professional help.
So I have come to a decision. So many times I have looked the other way when he has done this. In a way he is making a mess in our bed. And this time I'm not going to help him fix it. I will always love him and cheer him on to do his best/get better. But this time I'm not getting my hands dirty. He needs to make his own decisions now. If he stays on this path and he handles the alcohol fine then I have nothing to worry about. He is keeping his promise. But if he destroys the bed again I am not going to helping him fix it again. He will have to learn on his own this time, how he can overcome his problem. He can look to me for support. But he can no longer expect me to get my hands dirty again to help him.
In a way I feel like this is a better decision because I'm sick of cleaning up his messes and he is sick of me not being able to trust him. We both feel safe with our decision and we both have consequences if we do not stick to our agreements. Neither of us is 100% happy but this is a great place to start. And I have hope that one day in the near future, we will come to a place where we are both happy and we don't have to worry about this issue.
Call me crazy but I appreciate these hard times. I have found that my marriage has had it's ups and downs. The downs have been very good learning experiences for us. And I always find that we grow stronger as a couple. It sucks at the time, but later I always look back and think that it somehow turned out alright. We went from a crappy moment to a beautiful learning experience and we both were able to grow from it.
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