Sit Back, Relax, And Enjoy The Ride

Some days I wake up completely happy.  I am so grateful for my boys and what strength and happiness they give me.  I look at Cole and I'm so happy he is changing for the better and working to improve our marriage.  He is finally putting in some effort to save our marriage.  It may be at a snails pace but its better then nothing. Sometimes I get a glimps of the old Cole. The man I feel in love with who would do anything for his family. These short glimpses give me hope. And I need that hope right now.

Some days I wake up and I hate the world.  I get flashes of images I don't want to see in my head.  For some they are unforgivable things.  And I have to suck it up and deal with it because I chose this path.  I chose to fight for my marriage and work things out with Cole.  I even get so made sometimes I wished it progressed to the absolute unforgivable thing so it would be easy for me to hate him and not have to worry about getting hurt again.

Some days I wake up sad.  Sad that I had my heart broken.  Sad that now that I let Cole hug me again I just want to cry and cry.  The first time I let him hug me I cried in his arms for a long time.  He squeezed me tighter and told me to let it out.  I deserved to cry.  He stroked my hair and rubbed my back as I cried my eyes out.  This is a big deal because he hasn't done that for me for years.  I didn't realize till then how distant we had been.

Some days I have all 3 emotions.  Those are my really crazy days.  The worst part is I am at the point where I don't care.  I feel like I deserve to let out my emotions and ponder on how I feel.  I take each day at a time.  At first i was giving deadlines and not being patient. Some say he doesnt deserve it. I somewhat agree. But this is my choice to stay in our broken marriage and try to fix it. He is putting in some effort. As long as he is trying then it is worth it to me. I would love to be a happy family again.

So i have decided to sit back and try to find happiness in this crazy roller coaster ride. It will be hard sometimes during the rough turns. But with each day and each new step I'm learning. And I'm becoming stronger every day.