My Biggest Fear

Did I fail to mention that I'm LDS or as most of you would label me as I'm a Mormon.  Now you will probably understand more why having a alcoholic husband is a huge part of why I have this blog.  Faithful Mormons don't drink alcohol.  My husband has been an Alcoholic for 4 years now.  And this has been such a roller coaster ride with him drinking.  Sometimes he is good and on the straight and narrow and then one day all the sudden he gives up and drinks again.

My personal opinion, I don't care if people drink.  It's not my place to judge you and think your a horrible person for drinking.  Most of my friends are not LDS, they drink and it doesn't bother me at all.  I think the world of them, for the people they are and what an impact they have made on my life. But my biggest fear is that one day i'm going to give it all up. Sometimes I want to cave in and have a drink too.

I love the church and I love it's teachings on how important the family is.  But it was so much easier when I wasn't faithful and I had a glass of wine at the end of the day.  Or I had a few shots with my friends to have a fun relaxing night with them. So now your probably thinking, drink and have fun.  But I can't.  Not because I think I will be damned to hell if I do. But because I am terrified of enabling my husband to think it's okay to drink.

So many people have enabled him to thinking "It's okay. You have PTSD."  Yes he did start drinking heavily from his PTSD from his last deployment.  Don't get me wrong I get why he did it.  The stories he tells me I think I would have drank to get rid of those memories too.  But if you keep giving some one an excuse for their bad behaviors, your not helping them get better.  Sympathy does help, but eventually you need to kick them in the Butt and say "It's time you fix this."  I have enabled him before and gave him the excuses but as his wife I now encourage him to be his best!  Encourage him and praise him when he does well.  And when he fails I'm there to pick him up and help him truck through it again.

Cole and I chose to not go to church at the beginning of our marriage because it wasn't important to us at that time.  I view it as my time in life when I threw away the rule book and did what I wanted. I got tattoos, drank, went to a lot of fun parties,  and made a lot of new friends outside of my religion. I did what I wanted. Do I regret my past...absolutely not!  I learned so much during those years and it has made me the person I am today. Yes it makes it harder not to go back to my old ways but I have decided my path.

We went through the Draper Temple to be sealed to my oldest son at the time.  And it is seriously one of my most precious, favorite memories.  I will never forget my then, 4 month olds hand on top of my husband and my hands and being sealed to each other knowing we will be a family for eternity.

I have made the decision to not drink for my boys and my husbands.  I have been told in more than one blessing that I will be a huge influence on my childrens lives.  My faithfulness with be seen by them and will effect how faithful they are.  I have seen those who are close to me have outrage while drunk and I NEVER want my kids to see me like that.  I have decided not to drink because I am doing the best I can.    I have seen first hand how drinking can lead to families separating.  And let me tell you I will not let that happen to my family.  I love them and I will do my best to be the best wife and mom I can be to my family.

But yet I still have that fear that one day I won't be scared anymore and i'll finally let my guard down and give in.  Because giving in is so much easier than being the strong one all the time.


Disclouser: I am not in any way saying drinking will turn you into an alcoholic or even drinking will make you a horrible parent.  I only gave examples from personal experiences that I have seen from people I know in my life.  I only stated them in fear that if I gave up I would encourage myself or Cole to one day get to that point.  Like I said before I do not have any hard feelings for those who drink.  It's your life and your decision and I am sure you are wonderful people whether you drink or not.