Trust

Trust is something I don't take likely.  I have learned from many experiences in my life that I take it very seriously.  I remember learning the importance of having someones trust during my Junior year in High School.  I started out the year great with awesome friends and a really cute boyfriend.  Well slowly my life spiraled out of control.  I lost my best friend due to differences.  Got in a big fight with my boyfriend and we split up.  I started sneaking out of the house to hang out with friends and to just take a walk in the neighborhood because my life at the time was hard.

My parents noticed my situation and heard rumors that I was sneaking off.  My dad surprised me one day and took me on a daddy daughter date.  We went and had a nice dinner and after the dinner he asked me to come clean and tell the truth.  I had caught myself in so many lies to my parents with all the current things going on in my life.  My dad told me no matter what he would forgive me and help me through it.  Me being the dumb teenager I was, lied to his face and said I wan't lying and I had nothing to come clean about.  I was the "perfect daughter".  (I think I was just scared to get in trouble.)  

Well I had an awesome opportunity come up where one of my friend was going on a trip to Hawaii and her parents offered for her to be able to bring a friend and they would pay for their ticket.  I was her lucky pick!  I went to my parents so excited about it.  They said they would talk about it and let me know if I could go.  Well guess what... one of my lies surfaced and they found out about me sneaking out of the house one night to go see a late night movie at the megaplex.  I was grounded.  So grounded a trip to Hawaii was out of the question.  I was crushed!  I laid on my bed sobbing feeling sorry for myself.  My dad came in and gave me a big hug and said something along the lines of "Sweetie,  I'm so sorry your hurt.  I wish so badly you could go.  But you lied to me.  I tried so hard to trust you but now you have lost my trust.  I hope you will learn from this experience how important trust is."  

**BOOM**

From that moment on I learned how important it was to have my parents trust.  I didn't change over night.  In fact it took me years but from that experience I took trust very seriously.

Cole over and over has asked me to trust him.  I trust him with my life, I trust him with my boys, I trust him with so many things.  But when it comes to alcohol I don't trust him....yet.

Time and time again he says he won't drink.  Then he caves.  I get upset.  He says to trust him he is only drinking a few beers.  He can handle a few beer.  Then he starts drinking his hard liquor.  Relax it's only a couple shots.  I'm not drinking a whole bottle like I use to .  And slowly He starts sinking his ship further and further till we are right where we both don't want to be.  I don't trust him not drinking because he is an alcoholic. And time and time again he has given me a reason to not trust him with alcohol.

If he wasn't an alcoholic my thoughts would be different.  Like I said before I don't care if people drink.  It's their decision and it doesn't make them a bad person. I don't care if you drink it is your decision.  The only times I don't like it when someone drinks is when they abuse it.  Or even worse when they rely on it so much it is destroying their family.  Family is the most important thing to me so of course I get upset when I hear families being torn apart by alcohol. 

I long for the day when I can trust him again (whether he drinks alcohol or not).  But trust isn't just handed out it has to be earned.  It takes time and healing.  Trust I feel, is the issue that has always kept a wedge in my marriage.  We will work on this and some day I know I will have complete trust for him and that wedge will be gone.  But like I said trust isn't handed out.....it has to be earned.