I'm taking a break

I recently found out my husband betrayals have been going on for at least 2 years. I am so hurt and lost right now. With this information I have decided I'm in over my head. With work, being a mom, a spouse in a broken marriage, I've decided I need a break from my blog. I need time to think, process and heal. I still love to blog..... But with everything going on I don't find time for it. Or I'm also finding it is taking time away from my boys. I'm going to keep a journal of my thought and feelings to write down. (Which i'm sure will bring excellent posts in the future.) But as for now I'm putting my blog on hold.

As for those who read this blog, thank you for your support. Thank you for following and helping me feel like I have a voice again. Most of all thank you for helping me feel heard and important again.

When I feel comfortable in my recovery and I'm comfortable with giving the time towards my blog I will let you know when I will be posting on here again. 

Today

Today I sat down during my break and started devouring my delicious salad from a cafe down the street from me. Half way through eating it, my favorite song popped on the radio. I am in love with the song "fight song" by Rachel Platten. Immediately I stopped eating and listening to the lyrics. I felt overwhelmed during that moment to pray. My  last year has been from Hell. I bowed my head and started giving thanks for my food. But then I started pouring out more thanks. Thanks for my amazing vacation I just had, for my amazingly supportive family, for my beautiful boys, for my AMAZING job and so much more.

But then I paused...

I thanked the lord for my husband. I thanked the lord for this hard time. I told him I didn't like it and that it has made me soooo sad. But I'm grateful for the knowledge I have learned and will be learning.

I find it crazy that I had to pray right then and there to thank the lord for my life. But I don't regret it! I especially think I'm crazy for being grateful for my challenges I have been going through. But when I dig deep down I know it has caused me a tremendous amount of pain. But I have also gained a lot from my experiences. And I would rather be where I am now then where I was when I was trusting and naive.

Today is a good day. Today the sun is shining. Today I have had a great day at work. Today I have talked to loved ones
Today...I am happy.

The Dreaded Question

Did I do anything to deserve what I did?  Did I not provide you with enough love? Was I not good enough for you?  Am I going to find more?  Why did this even happen?

Will we ever be happy again?

I have new questions running through my head everyday.  The most common ones are "why is this happening to me?"  "Am I not good enough?"  "Will the pain never go away?"

I am an emotional wreck everyday.  I have good moments and I have bad ones.  I can't get the horrible images out of my head.  They haunt me all the time.

My husband used social media to cheat on me.  He found women, lied to them and told them we were separated so he could enjoy intimate pictures/videos/conversations with them.  No he didn't touch them.  But he still cheated on me.

I use to love social media and how it kept me connected to friends and family near and far.  Now I freaking hate it!  Not a day goes by that I want to hack onto Coles Facebook to see if he is still betraying me.  Don't get me wrong I still check.  Cole agreed to let me take his phone whenever to do a check on his facebook and messages.  He has strict instructions not to delete anything.  But I still fear to find more.  And I hate not knowing.

He is trying so hard to fix his problems.  He admits he was wrong and he is sick.  He sees the pain he has caused me and wants to make it go away.  I am so proud of the efforts that he has made but I still have a hard time.  He tells me he loves me..  He says he is fighting for me and he doesn't want to lose me.  He says he doesn't want to lose his family.  I don't trust him.  Trust me I want to.  But only time will tell.

I'm 50/50 on keeping my marriage.  50% I still see the man I loved.  He is still an amazing father to my boys.  I see the effort he is making and I want to see us succeed and grow old together.  The other 50% I'm so hurt by the betrayal.  I don't want to go through this again.  And I am so scared to move forward.

I haven't made my choice yet.  Like I said Coles choices and actions will determine the outcome from here on out. But the outcome I want most is that we are happy.  I can honestly say that no matter what happens I hope we find our happy endings whether we are together or not.

To find my happiness I have to learn to forgive and forget.   It would be stupid to try and forget everything.  This trial has been a huge learning experience for me. I have and will continue to forgive Cole.  I chose to forget the questions.  They aren't important.  I know I'm beautiful, a great mother, friend and wife.  I am  more then enough for him.  Will the pain ever go away.  I'm sure majority of it will.  There is no way I will 100% heal from this.  But I can try my hardest!

Like I have said a million times.  I chose to be happy.  I chose to let go of the questions.  I chose to forgive.

Gaslighting

I look back now on the last year of our marriage and all the hard times we went through. The hardest months when Cole pointed his finger at me and made me feel like I was the one destroying our marriage, I find out that he betraying me behind my back. He was so good at distracting me from seeing what was going on behind my back by pointing out the small flaws in me.  When in fact there was a huge elephant in the room screaming at me.  I look back now at how naive I was  and curse at myself.  I had doubts and suspicions that something like this was going on.  But I ignored my gut thinking there was no way he would ever do that to me.  Would never cause the pain I am now in.  He would never betray our marriage so bad that I would be contemplating divorce right now. But now I see the truth and all the lies and distractions he made. He distracted me so well that he was able to get away with his bad choices for months.

I knew then that he was sick from his alcohol addiction and he didn't want to admit that it was him. When in fact he was starting a whole new form of betrayal.  I still have yet to find out if he has a new addiction.  My gut says yes but he swears there isn't.  Right now I trust my gut more then I trust him.  My gut has been more honest to me than he has. He is willing to go to therapy and support groups to prove it's not as bad as I fear it may be. I pray he proves me wrong.

What am I doing now?

I'm separating my emotions to him. It hurts to much to care right now.

I Listen to what he has to say.....But that doesn't mean I believe him.

I encourage him to keep being stronger and getting help.  Whether we end up together or apart I care that he is happy in the end.

And the most important thing.  I'm finding my own happiness....once again.  I'm enjoying the small things.  A bowl of my favorite Ice cream at night.  A long bubble bath after the boys are asleep at night.  I take time at my work to have happy conversations with my clients.  (thank goodness for my job.  I love every second of it and it has been such a good distraction). Taking the boys to the park and enjoying their smiles.  I even snuck a few minutes on the swing for my self.  When I was younger the swings were my favorite thing at the park.  I could swing on it for hours.  There was something about the sun on my face and the wind in my hair that brought me happiness. 

For too long I sacrificed my happiness for Coles.  And he selfishly took it and took it for granted.  My husband is sick.  He has never been the same from his deployment from Afghanistan.  He fights demons from his deployments and his work that he has had to deal with in his past.  With the few stories he has shared with me I can't imagine what hell he has had to go through in his life.  And I ache for him to be free from his pain.

But I will no longer sacrifice myself to help him.  He needs to fight this on his own.  He used and abused me and I will no longer let that happen.  I chose to be happy.  If he wishes to be in my life forever he needs to find his happiness on his own and vow to love and cherish me forever.  I deserve it.

Healing

As you all can guess the last year has been a very new experience for me.  I have had some of the hardest experiences of my life.  I have blossomed and bloomed into a very different person.  Some may see that I have gained some strength in some areas.  And some may see I am lacking strength in others.  Overall  I am handling each unique situation the best way I can.

The biggest thing that I've had to let go of is fear.  For all my life I have always feared disappointing those I love.  I in the past have been such a people pleaser that I have cheated myself instead of disappointing others.  This last year I made a vow to stop doing that.  It has been a complete game changer for me.  I am finding that no matter what there is always something better you can do for yourself.  But as long and you are striving to be your best that is all that matters.  No one is perfect.  And it is impossible to be perfect.

My blog post from last week revealed that I hit a rock bottom with a very devastating situation that happened to me.  Last week was probably the worst week of my life.  But from the pain and sorrow I learned a ton.

The first thing I learned is that I am not alone.  I had so many people reach out to me to let me now I am appreciated and loved.  I had strangers reach out to me.  I had old friends I haven't talked to in a while reach out.  I had some of Coles old military buddies reach out to me.  I found out that I was loved by more people than I thought.  What a tremendous thing it was to be cared for by so many.  If you were one of them thank you.  You have been a huge blessing to me.

The second thing I learned is that when you are in a crisis you make mistakes.  And the biggest thing I learned from those mistakes were not to do them again.  I turned those lose stones into stepping blocks to help me become stronger and to achieve greater heights.

The third thing I found out is people heal in different ways.  I turned to new outlets.  Some people may or may not agree with my choices but they are what worked for me.  I found out that Yoga is an amazing thing and I will definitely be doing it a lot more in the now and future.  I also found out that a girls night at the bar with my close friends turned into a nightmare and I was sick the whole next day regretting my decision. (probably will never be able to look at alcohol again without wanting to throw up.)  But that was my choice to make.  And that was my way of healing.  And most importantly it helped.  It wasn't the best or smartest choice but in that moment I wanted/needed it.  And I learned from that choice.  And I learned not to fear what others think and learned that others need to respect how I heal as long as I am not putting myself or anyone else in danger.

The fourth thing I learned was to follow my gut.  If I didn't follow my gut and follow the inspiration I was given the week prior, I would be in a worse situation.  I would have been lost with out any future plans or ways to get out of my mess.  But instead I was blessed with inspiration, knowledge and love that became a huge help to me.

The fifth thing I found out was that I am a warrior.  I am one tough cookie.  I showed a moment of weakness and from it I became so strong.  I became the mother/wife my family needed during that time.  I wasn't afraid to get my hands dirty to make sure things were done the right way this time.  I showed strength I had no Idea I had inside.  I didn't become controlling,  I became a humble and powerful woman.

Sit Back, Relax, And Enjoy The Ride

Some days I wake up completely happy.  I am so grateful for my boys and what strength and happiness they give me.  I look at Cole and I'm so happy he is changing for the better and working to improve our marriage.  He is finally putting in some effort to save our marriage.  It may be at a snails pace but its better then nothing. Sometimes I get a glimps of the old Cole. The man I feel in love with who would do anything for his family. These short glimpses give me hope. And I need that hope right now.

Some days I wake up and I hate the world.  I get flashes of images I don't want to see in my head.  For some they are unforgivable things.  And I have to suck it up and deal with it because I chose this path.  I chose to fight for my marriage and work things out with Cole.  I even get so made sometimes I wished it progressed to the absolute unforgivable thing so it would be easy for me to hate him and not have to worry about getting hurt again.

Some days I wake up sad.  Sad that I had my heart broken.  Sad that now that I let Cole hug me again I just want to cry and cry.  The first time I let him hug me I cried in his arms for a long time.  He squeezed me tighter and told me to let it out.  I deserved to cry.  He stroked my hair and rubbed my back as I cried my eyes out.  This is a big deal because he hasn't done that for me for years.  I didn't realize till then how distant we had been.

Some days I have all 3 emotions.  Those are my really crazy days.  The worst part is I am at the point where I don't care.  I feel like I deserve to let out my emotions and ponder on how I feel.  I take each day at a time.  At first i was giving deadlines and not being patient. Some say he doesnt deserve it. I somewhat agree. But this is my choice to stay in our broken marriage and try to fix it. He is putting in some effort. As long as he is trying then it is worth it to me. I would love to be a happy family again.

So i have decided to sit back and try to find happiness in this crazy roller coaster ride. It will be hard sometimes during the rough turns. But with each day and each new step I'm learning. And I'm becoming stronger every day.

It Happened

We hit rock bottom.  I did the unthinkable in my case.  I snooped behind his back.  But I'm so glad I did because I found out the horrible truth.  I was able to find out that Cole had been lying and doing horribly inappropriate things behind my back while he was drinking.  I confronted Cole and scared him to death.  I scared him by how smart I am at catching onto things so fast.  I scared him with how calm I was about the situation and I had reached my breaking point.  I looked him in the eye and said I don't want you anymore.  I don't want you to ever touch me again.  I don't care to continue a marriage with you.  You have hurt and betrayed my trust so bad, I'm not sure I want to continue being with you.

His eyes popped out of his head.  He looked at me like he was terrified and he said he wanted me and he wanted his family.  I don't fully believe him.

I gave him a list of requirements.  There are no if or buts.  If he wants a family this is what he has to do.  If he decides not to follow through I'll get a divorce attorney.  I took a step back after I confronted him and was super proud.  If you read my post last week you know that I have learned from the hard things that I have turned into my own hero.  I have gained so much knowledge and emotional strength the last 6 months and they prepared me so well for what happened this week.  Don't get me wrong I am scared of the future and what it holds for us because of our incident.  I don't want a divorce.  Right now I think all men are scumbags so a new spouse is out of the question for a long time.  But I'm also scared to continue a relationship with Cole.

Only time will tell how things go.  And I have no idea what our future holds.  What I do know is I have an amazing support system.  I have the most beautiful and lively boys that bring such happiness to my life.  And most of all I know that I am a freaking amazing person.  And I am not taking any more hurt or pain from the person I loved most.  I deserve love and happiness.  I will no longer settle for less.

Right now I'm admiring the quote the wise Bob Marley once said.  I'm stronger then I ever thought and I will once again be able to enjoy my view at the top of my happy mountain.

My Own Hero

2014 was one of the craziest years of my life.  It started out exciting starting my own business opening up my salon and working from home.  We welcomed our youngest son into the world In the beginning of the year.  And Cole was starting the job process for working at a new better job.  We ended up moving into some in-laws houses while waiting for our move.  It was a lot of change for a small family.

With all the changes it put a lot of stress on mine and Coles relationship.  We both agree divorce was a scary thought at the time and it seemed possible.  I never knew how lonely I could feel when I didn't feel connected with my spouse.  Even though Cole and I worked hard to fix things, I couldn't always rely on him to be there for me emotionally.  

I learned a lot of things for the year 2014.  I know I have said this many times before but I'm kinda grateful for that hard time because it seriously turned my life around.  With every trial I have gone through it has made me a better/stronger/smarter person.  Last year I learned a lot about myself.

The biggest thing I learned is that you can't always rely on your family and friends.  They may always be there for you but they can't help you out of everything.  Sometimes you have to roll up your sleeves and figure it out all on your own.  And with that I rolled up my sleeves and I fixed what needed fixing at that time.  I found out what an amazing mom I am.  What a loving and determined wife I am. That I am dependable of a friend/sister/daughter.  That I am a beautiful individual inside and out.  But mostly I found out that I became my own hero.  I never realized the strength I had within me.  And now that I found that I refuse to let it go.

Sometimes it's nice to have a Knight in shining armor to come to your rescue.  But I have found that it is much more satisfying to find that I am also a hero.  Not just to myself but to others as well.  I have also had a quick answer when people ask me who my hero is.  I always mention my husband and grandfather for their sacrifices they made serving our country.  Now It may sound cheesy but I will probably mention myself. It may confuse others but once I mention the few sacrifices and hard times I have had to deal with in my life. How I  grew instead of let the hard times overcome me and it turned me into a hero.  You can roll your eyes all you want but it won't make me change my mind.  Maybe you should look at your life and see what you have accomplished.  You may not see it but you may be a hero to someone else.  Why can't you be one for yourself as well?

Now

I didn't write a post last week due to the fact that I just needed a break. Life has been crazy with the move and other things that have been going on lately. I just needed to take a break from the blog.  I couldn't have chosen a crazier time in my life to start this blog. But I 100% do not regret starting it because he has been great for me. (I apologize if you were looking forward to post, but the break was exactly what I needed at this time.) 

Now don't worry, I'm happy and right now things are great.  I'm not to the point where I feel 100 percent complete. But I'm slowly getting there, There's a lot I /we still need to work on. I'm sure there'll be a lot of bumpy roads in the near future but also know there will be a lot of smooth roads as well.

With this break I focused a lot of time with my family this last week. I was reminded how much I love my little ones and my husband. And I was able to soak up some pretty happy moments with each of them.  

I saw the pure joy of happiness in my 3 year olds face in an intense game of Jenga.  He refused to lose but insisted I helped him find the lose pieces.  And I adored the smile on his face every time we pulled out a block.  And I finally gave in and made it fall so he could win. I fully enjoyed his sequels of Celebration for winning the game. 

I enjoyed the moment I taught my precious one year old how to blow kisses and how his eyes light up every time he hears the word kiss and he starts blowing kisses.  He is aching to learn more and I'm currently trying to teach him how to high five and fist bump.

And I have enjoyed the moments of cuddling on the couch watching shows with Cole.  What I didn't realize till finally being together again, is how much I missed the mornings with him.  I love how he would wake up to get ready for work, come lay a blanket over me and give me a kiss and tell me he loved me before he went to work. Such a simple things, but something I appreciate he does.  

These are such simple moments but ones that I will cherish forever. During these times I realized I need to remember that during those precious moments I'm where I need to be. I need to sit back and  breathe and enjoy them.  This week has opened up my eyes that I need to be more patient.  I'm still relearning that I need to of course take care of my family.   But sometimes I get so caught up in it I forget to take time for myself. And getting overwhelmed I lose patience for my family. I have heard from many that I am very selfless and very caring and giving.  But sometimes it can be a curse instead of a gift  because I wear myself out.  I have yet to learn a perfect balance.  But no one is perfect and I'll probably never learn.  I just need to realize when things get crazy I need to stop, relax and figure out what is most important and remember to take time to take care of myself. 

Yikes!!

I should be thrilled right now.  I should be ecstatic that my family is finally getting our own place.  What was going to be only a few months living with family turned into 9 months.  9 MONTHS!!!  Don't get me wrong I am so grateful to every family member who took Cole and I in while we were waiting for Coles new Job to get started.  Trust me 3 months of feeling like a single mom to my boys while Cole has lived 3 hours away has been rough.  Even with my sisters help it is just hard when you don't have the other parent around to help out everyday.  And believe me I am so excited to have our own space again.  Trust me I am probably going to run around naked for the first few days because I can and I don't have to worry about running into any family members!!!

But why am I so nervous and anxious?  I was driving home from the store thinking about this and it finally dawned on me.

I am scared to live with Cole again.  I have finally gotten into a grove with things, with him not around.  Our separation was needed at the time due to his work starting up and our marriage was failing at the time.  But after some good elbow grease and working hard together, we have found some safe zones.  We have really come a long way from where we were.  And I'm happy with our outcome.  I know we have more work to do.  And I know there are some arguments in the near future to figure out our roles in our marriage with where it is. I plan on finding a therapist to help me. I also plan on having a healthy outlet of negative emotions at the gym still.  Cole is enjoying work and is involved in football so he has his own outlets and "him" time that he needs just as I do.

I am mostly terrified that after all this hard work it will all fall apart again.  Do I expect it to...of course not.  I really think it is going to work out.  (I truly do!)  But I can't deny the inkling feeling that what if it does fall apart?  I want so badly for this to work out.  Cole really does to!  He is still drinking occasionally.  It's not what I want but we made boundaries and agreements that we both were comfortable with.  He even committed to coming to church with me on Sundays only to sacrament meeting to help out with the boys.  Do you know how much that means to me.  It will be so nice to have his help. Especially when before he wanted nothing to do with church.  

The fact that we are both making sacrifices for the other is huge.  It is showing that we respect and care about one another.  It might not be perfectly how we want it.  But pushing each other has never helped us.  It has just caused a problems in our marriage.  And I really believe that with trust and understanding this will all work out.  We may not be perfect but I'm so happy that once again we are starting to care to make the other happy.  

To finish this off I found this amazing quote that a friend posted on her Facebook.  I seriously can not get it out of my head.  I feel like Eyring is speaking directly to me.  Getting our own place feels like the right thing right now.  I just need to follow my heart and listen faithfully for what steps I need to take next.  I am ready to be where the lord wants me to be.

"Please find out what it is the Lord would have you do, believe he has prepared a way for you to do it, and share what he's given you with others. As you do that, you will feel his love and you will become more like him. You will find joy and consolation, you will become sanctified by the gospel, and then you can go home again."
-- Henry B. Eyring

My Favorite Church song

My son always asks me to sing my favorite church song to him every night.  My favorite Church song is "A Child's Prayer" by Janice Kapp Perry. It melts my heart every time we sing it together.  Those loving words coming out of my 3 year old's sweet little mouth are one of my favorite parts of the day.  The first verse is sang by a child asking/talking to their heavenly father.  And the second verse is an adult version answering the child's questions.  If you haven't heard of this song the lyrics are below.

1. 1. Heavenly Father, are you really there?
   And do you hear and answer ev'ry child's prayer?
   Some say that heaven is far away,
   But I feel it close around me as I pray.
   

   Heavenly Father, I remember now

   Something that Jesus told disciples long ago:

   "Suffer the children to come to me."

   Father, in prayer I'm coming now to thee.
2. 1. 2. Pray, he is there;
      Speak, he is list'ning.
      You are his child;
      His love now surrounds you.
      He hears your prayer;
      He loves the children.
      Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heav'n.

Lets take a look at the song and how it can comfort anyone who is going through a hard time. You call up to your Father In Heaven because you feel alone and are pray for his comfort and love.  Then you're comforted knowing he is there and he is listening and answering your prayers doing what is best for you.  Even if it isn't exactly how you want your prayers answered, he knows whats best and is guiding you in the direction you need to be.

Every time I go through a trial this song pops in my head.  Every time I'm going through emotional pain and I feel so alone this song is always a huge comfort to me. And during those hard times when I'm in the shower, I seem to belt it out!  (Seriously sing it at the top of my lungs and I love every second of it.) The lyrics in this song are just so comforting to me.  What I am loving right now is
how my son is learning the words and how beautiful it sounds to me when he sings it.  And I love how he is starting to love and enjoy the song as much as I do.  I only hope that teaching him this song he can find comfort in it when he is older like I have.

What is your song that inspires/comforts you during your hard times.  Leave me a comment below because I would love to know what songs help others.

Safe People

Let me first start off by telling you who "Safe People" are.  Safe people are people that you feel very safe to share almost everything with.  No they don't always have to agree with you.  But you trust them enough that you can tell them what you feel comfortable sharing and they will love you and be there for you no matter what.

I have a small handful of people that are on my "Safe People" list.  It's not that I don't trust everyone, but I believe in my relationship, that not everyone needs to know all my secrets.  But the people who I do consider safe, I believe I should be able to share with them what ever I feel.

I think it is totally healthy to find some one to process and share your thought and feelings to.  Now obviously if your asked to keep a secret you should.  So don't go telling all of your secrets you promised to keep about others.  But going to them to vent, process, talk, is a totally normal and healthy thing to do.

I am a girl.  Girls like to talk.  We aren't like guys who are satisfied with seeing an old friend and saying "Hey, What's up?  Everyone in your family good?  Cool glad everything is okay."  Girls like to share details.  If things are good we tell it how it is.  Same for the bad.  If things are bad you better believe we share to those we feel are safe to us.  (My personal opinion stop doing bad things that your friend, family member or spouse are going to get upset over.  If you don't it's not okay to expect them to bottle it all up and not be able to talk about it.)

I have a few safe people in my life that I can share all me thoughts and feelings with.  I don't feel judged and appreciate their advice and love.  Safe people are important to have.  Not only for yourself but for your spouse.  And I think it is very important to have safe people.  If you have problems in one of your relationships whether it is with a friend, parent or spouse I think it is healthy to share your thoughts and feelings to someone who is safe.  You shouldn't be criticized for going to a safe person and processing your thoughts and feelings.  I don't think it is healthy to bottle everything up to yourself.  And I don't think it is healthy to only share it with your spouse.  It will turn into a burden to only talk and share everything with your spouse.  I think if you have this problem it is important to seek help from family or friends who you feel safe to talk to.  Or even professional help can be a big help.

I have a few people in my life who struggle with finding safe people and they expect me to not be able to process and share my thoughts or feelings.  And right now i'm not okay with it.  I'm not okay with bottling it all up and keeping everything to myself.  I think it is very selfish of them to put this burden on me and to think that I just have to deal with it on my own.  Like I always say....I am going to do what I think is best for me and my family.

The Talks

Right now Cole and I are really working on our communication.  

We have been married for over 6 years but we both agree we feel like newly weds.  Not in the romantic honeymoon stage but in the arguing and trying to figure out how to live with each other stage.  For the first 4 years of our marriage Cole and I were separated for more than half of our marriage. Due to Coles Military and all his deployments we were use to being separated.  It was so difficult being apart from the one you love.  And it made that reunion so sweet.  We loved each other so much and knew that from all our separations.  But all the separations are really starting to bite us in the Butt.  The first part of our marriage we didn't get the experience like most, where we were able to figure out one another.  Have those big fights and work it out.  It is so frustrating now because of how long we have been married.  We have kids now and we are going through the hard beginning parts of our marriage that most couples would have figured out by now! 

Before when we would get in an argument we would most likely yell and walk away from each other.  We would calm down and not discuss the problem again.  Now that I look back on that I realize how childish and selfish we were.  But lately we have been trying to talk it out and discuss our problems/feelings. And even though it has been really good and beneficial for our challenges right now it is super frustrating!  It is seriously emotionally draining sitting in a room trying to talk without raising your voice.  And expressing how you feel with out screaming out a few cuss words...now that has been a big challenge for me.  Sometimes our conversations have lasted hours and I finally want to scream some vulgar words at him and walk out of the room.  And i'm pretty sure he feels the same way.  

This has been so good for us.  We have really had to work on our patience.  And that is what i'm finding we need most in our marriage right now.  The small things are starting to tick us off.  And right now we need to relax and decide what is really important to get upset over and what isn't.  I have learned that sometimes I just need to sit back and breath.  Getting all flustered and upset isn't doing me or anyone else any good.  I'm seriously thinking of finally doing some yoga classes.  It will be nothing but beneficial for me. How about you?  What are some things you do?  What have you done in your marriage to stop the yelling and fighting and having healthier conversations?

I've Been Sleeping With a Stranger!

Let me take a minute to laugh because I have shared this blog with a few select members of my family....I'm sure this title threw them off guard...hehe

Okay on the more serious note.  Cole and I have been separated for months now.  Some of it by choice and some of it not.  Right now....I think it's a little of both.  We moved to a different state for a better job opportunity for Cole.  He started his job and moved in with his brother who lived 5 minutes away from his work.  I on the other hand decided to move in with my sister as they have more room for me and my kids and I missed my sister and her family and wanted to spend time with them.  Cole and I live 2 1/2 hours away from each other.  We have made a few trips to see each other but the separation has been good for us.  I honestly think we needed a break from each other.  And living apart has opened up my eyes a lot.  I have learned so many things during this separation.  I have learned to be myself more and to make sure to appreciate "my time" and do things for myself not just be a mom robot every day.  And I have learned a lot about Cole and some hard things he has been battling.  I still don't know everything but I'm figuring it out...very slowly.

A huge thing I realized is that for the past 6 or 7 months I have been sleeping with a stranger.  Cole looks like my husband.  He smells amazing like my husband.  His hands feel like my husbands.  His voice booms with the rhythmic tones my husbands voice does.  He dresses the same as my husband.  But Cole is a whole different person right now.

Remember my post on "Meet Hank"? (If you haven't  Click here)  Any addict whether they are in recovery or not sometimes have a split personality.  Hank has taken over my Cole.  He is sad, lonely, depressed and quick to anger.  And it honestly pains me to see my husband go through this.  The thing is I can only do so much.  He is a very dependent man and he wants to fix this on his own.  Right now I'm only allowed to cheer him on the side lines.  He can decide whether he wants to hear my cheers and advice or completely ignore them.

But out of everything I have learned the hardest thing I came to terms with is I don't love Cole anymore.  I love what a good husband he is.  I love how he is a driven hard worker.  I love so many things about him.  I could make a huge long list.  But I don't love him as a spouse.  I have been pushed away and hurt to much I have cut a few ties to him for my emotional safety.  I started not caring and now I have found that I lost my love for him doing this.

Don't be too alarmed.  Recently we had a very good talk.  We admitted we both have this problem.  We have fallen out of love.  But now is the time where we need to decide are we going to fix this.  Or leave this as we are good friends and we want to stay that way for our boys.  Due to recent decisions together we have decided we have something worth fighting for right now.  But it is going to take some time and patience.  We need to work on caring about the other person again.  And hopefully soon feeling comfortable to move in together again.  (Did I mention we have an offer on a house pending to close on March 25th! Yikes! But over and over again this house feels right to me)

All I can do is focusing on caring for myself,  for Cole and caring for my kids.  The biggest thing I have going for me is I know my Father in Heaven loves me and he has a plan for me.  I'm having a hard time being Idle and putting all my faith in him and his plan.  But what comforts me most is he has an end result for me.  And he has promised me time and time again.... I will be happy!

The Dream

(Just a warning this is a looong post. Make sure your kids are occupied with something and you have a bowl of popcorn). :)   Also this post may be triggering to some of my readers because I get some traffic from my wonderful sisters blog awiferedeemed. So just be warned)

I shoot up from my slumber in a panic!  Ugh what an awful dream!  I am drenched in sweat.  I look at the alarm clock, 3:32 AM. I think I'm going to hurl!....I tiptoe to the bathroom and close the door, careful to not wake up my sleeping babe I share a room with.  I turn on the light and take a look at myself.  I turn on the water and splash some cold water on my face to wash off some of the sweat.  The feeling of throwing up is gone...that's good. No need for a shower I'm going to the gym in the morning so I'll shower after that. I take off my sweaty clothes and put on some fresh pj's. Now that I'm more comfortable I climb back into bed.  I'm tossing and turning because I can't get the dang dream out of my head.  Ugh stupid nightmare!!  It felt so real though!  That is probably what was so upsetting.  And of course the timing is horrible.  If I had this dream a year ago I would have woken a little upset but would easily laugh it off.....it's only a dream.........cue the eye roll.

My dream is I pull up to Cole's apartment.  In my dream we have been separated for a long time he got his own place.  We have been working on our relationship and are close to ending the separation. It is 6 pm and Cole is just getting off of work. He told me he wanted me to come over sometime this week to hang out again.  I shot him a text earlier saying I'm heading to his place to make some dinner for us.  I pull out my key he gave me to his place.  I get to his door, unlock it and walk in.  Immediately I'm panicked....there are clothes everywhere........not just Coles.  I see High heels.  I see cute girl jeans and a shirt.  What. The. H E Double Hockey Sticks!

I run to the bedroom to see an old friend in bed with Cole.  She grabs her things and leaves.  But she doesn't leave in a panicked "crap I got caught" way.  She leaves with a smug smile and the look of "ha he is mine now."  This girl. lets call her.......Nancy.  She is an old high school colleague.  She dated one of mine and Coles friends after high school.  I never really liked her because she was the fancy High heel stuck up girl obsessed with looking like barbie.  She was also in a way sluty...Of course this is Utah slutty I'm talking about.  Not the type that slept with a new guy every night.  The type that she had no trouble getting a guy because she had low standards. And the men tended to come and go quickly...never kept a guy for a long time. The most upsetting thing was I always thought this girl was gross.  The kind of gross that you know she showered all the time but your not sure water and soap could wash off the yuck.  And that yuck was all over my cheating husband!

Cole doesn't even budge.  He just looks at me like "well now you know".  So much for the text.  I guess his phone was in his pants in the living room while he was....ugh. It is everything in me not to jump on the bed and clobber him, gouge out his eyes, and break.......something!  I stand there dazed and pissed off.  I can't do anything irrational.  He has law enforcement training, I can't do anything stupid he is too smart for that.  Plus the kids! I don't want them to ever hear I was a crazy woman who lost her mind and killed their dad or set his apartment on fire.  I begin to cry thinking of my boys.  Ugh my life sucks now.  I'm getting a divorce.

I look at him.

Beth: "Why would you do this? I thought we were getting somewhere?  I thought you wanted to be with me?"

Cole:  "I don't love you anymore.  I haven't for a while.  I just wanted to work it out for the boys"

Beth:  "Working it out that you thought other women in your bed would help?!"

Cole: "I tried okay.  I just got lonely.  Plus it's just Nancy.  It's not like I slept with a hooker."

Beth:  "I don't care if she is a hooker or not.  You slept with someone else!  I'm done!  There is no getting past this hurt.  Good bye Cole."

I'm storming out of the apartment and run through the front door.....This is when I wake up.



Do I think Cole is cheating on me?  I hiiiighly doubt it.  This dream just upset me so much because our marriage is rocky.  Last Saturday I texted Cole in a panic asking if buying a house was a bad idea.  He was on his way out with buddies and he said he would call me back later.  He called me at 1:30 in the morning and we talked for 2 hours. We admitted things were bad and maybe the house was a bad idea.  But I admitted the most horrifying truth of all.  "I don't love you anymore".

Now don't get your panties in a bunch.  We aren't getting divorced.  That phone call was the best thing for us right now.  We were finally completely honest and it was something we needed to hear from each other.  We BOTH admitted we don't love each other.  Right now we are just co existing.  We put up with each other.  We don't love each other as husband and wife.  We love things about the other person and we know we don't want to get a divorce.  We know the other person is amazing and we could never find anyone to replace each other.

Right now we are working on caring.  We are trying not to only call because we have to.  We call because we want to.  We are thinking of the other person and genuinely want to talk to them (minus the calls for the kids or about the house).  We aren't throwing the words "I love you" away.  Those words are precious and we agree it is only going to be said when we mean it. Right now I feel like we are finally stepping in sync.  And sometimes we stumble.  But I am finally feeling like the fog is clearing. It is hard at times.  I long for the emotional and physical attachment to my husband...I miss it.  But right now is not the time...it's too soon.

How am I?  Amazingly good.  Like the kind of good that I am waking up with a smile and going about my day laughing and enjoying my time with the loved ones around me.  Cole is 2 hours away at a family members so I think us not living together is good. It was a separation because of work and not enough room for the boys and I at his family members house that he is staying at. A break is needed right now. And i'm completely okay with it.  I am actually starting to miss him again.  I don't get annoyed when he calls anymore (Every time he called before I figured we were going to get in some small argument...which it usually did).   Our texts are starting to get genuine and we are starting to care about the other person and how their day is going.  We aren't to the point of throwing out "I love you's"  but I don't think that is to far away.  And as for the house we are still going for it.  I have a gut feeling that this is what needs to happen.  I keep praying asking if this is the right decision and every time I have a good feeling.  The house buying process has been fairly easy with hardly any set backs.  Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  I just have to trust him.

Honestly I feel amazing.  Like a ton of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I'm taking care of myself and I'm started to care for Cole again.  He is an amazing guy.  And I can't wait to fall in love with him again.  Right now it is all about the baby steps. But eventually I know we will be back at full speed. He is my partner in crime and he isn't worth giving up on.

Please Make Your Own Bed

I'm starting to realize lately that I have been the one that has been blamed in my marriage.  I'm the one that is always doing something wrong.  I am the controlling one.  I am the one who wont let the past go.

I totally agree that there are things that I can fix.  No one is perfect.  I definitely need to be more aware and listen to my boys.  I'm so use to toning them out sometimes because I'm sick of hearing "mom. mom. mom!"  Allll  Dayyyy longggg  I need to be more patient and address them in the beginning and listen and help them.  And they need to learn that sometimes mom needs her time.  We all have something to learn.

But I'm finding that Cole lately has been pointing fingers at me for the majority of our problems.  I occasionally would point things out that I needed him to work on as well.  But majority of our fights he would put all the blame on me.

He doesn't think he has an addiction problem. And I believe that his addiction is the core problem for our arguments.  We both are on opposite sides and it is hard to find a happy medium.  For once though we were able to have a good conversation where we were both able to be 100% honest and express our fears that we have in our relationships.  Say what the other person does that really upsets us.  Be able to admit our faults and say yes we need to fix them.  But we never came to an agreement to the alcohol.  Is he an addict or is he not.  We both have different opinions.

So the only thing we could agree on is that I should no longer accuse him that he has an addiction.  And he will respect my boundaries.  If he doesn't respect my boundaries or he has a bad outbreak from his addiction, then he will admit he is an alcoholic and he will get professional help.

So I have come to a decision.  So many times I have looked the other way when he has done this.  In a way he is making a mess in our bed.  And this time I'm not going to help him fix it.  I will always love him and cheer him on to do his best/get better.  But this time I'm not getting my hands dirty.  He needs to make his own decisions now.  If he stays on this path and he handles the alcohol fine then I have nothing to worry about.  He is keeping his promise.  But if he destroys the bed again I am not going to helping him fix it again.  He will have to learn on his own this time, how he can overcome his problem.  He can look to me for support.  But he can no longer expect me to get my hands dirty again to help him.

In a way I feel like this is a better decision because I'm sick of cleaning up his messes and he is sick of me not being able to trust him.  We both feel safe with our decision and we both have consequences if we do not stick to our agreements.  Neither of us is 100% happy but this is a great place to start. And I have hope that one day in the near future, we will come to a place where we are both happy and we don't have to worry about this issue.

Call me crazy but I appreciate these hard times.  I have found that my marriage has had it's ups and downs. The downs have been very good learning experiences for us.  And I always find that we grow stronger as a couple.  It sucks at the time, but later I always look back and think that it somehow turned out alright. We went from a crappy moment to a beautiful learning experience and we both were able to grow from it.

I'm A Mountain Climber

I thought of an analogy the other day and I feel like I'm a genius because I thought of it...:)

Cole and I are mountain climbers.  The first 3 years of our marriage we were always on the same page and climbed this mountain together step by step.  We finally reached the peak and we were happy and enjoying the beautiful view.  But eventually Cole decided he didn't want to stop and he wanted to keep exploring.

So he searched all over on the top of this peak and he found a slippery slope.  He found it and he decided to slide down it.  He had a blast while doing it.  But once he got to the bottom he realized he wanted to be on top with me again.  So I had to make the long climb down and we climbed back up this slope together, step by step.  Once again we finally made it to the top and we were happy.

Well Cole eventually would find the slope again and he decided to have fun sliding down it.  And I of course, heard him calling asking to come back up and I would go down and I climbed down to him and we would climb back up together, step by step.  This has repeated over and over again.  My husband wants to have fun sliding down the slope and I am happy and content staying up at the peak.

Right now Cole is down at the bottom and he is calling for me to come get him.  I have climbed half way down the mountain but I have sat down to think about our situation.  I don't know how many more times I want to climb down and help him.  Half of me loves him and wants to help him up.  But the other half of me is exhausted and doesn't want to go through this repetition again. For once I just want to play it by ear.  I'm happy where I'm at, but i'm not going to keep climbing down there.  If he decides he wants to climb up... cool.  If he wants to stay down there...cool.  I'm just going to enjoy our mountain and if he wants to keep climbing up and sliding down the slope than more power to him.

Me being concerned about his actions and decisions isn't going to do any good and he has a right to make his own.  I'm just going to enjoy the beautiful view.

Skinny Girl Problems

I'm probably going to be hated for this but I've just had it with the judgement and mean comments.

I am 5'3" and weigh a little over 100 lbs.  I have been blessed with a high metabolism.  I love vegetables and working out.  I'm a unique and blessed person, with a blessed and unique slim body.

But I'm sick of the judgement from other woman.  I didn't ask for this body.  I was blessed with it.  I don't throw it in peoples faces.  I am humble (mainly because I'm scared of offending someone or being judged.)

I was very fortunate to lose my baby weight fast after having both my sons.  I dropped it so fast I can only nurse my boys for 6-8 months because I lose the weight so fast. (I ate a ton and made a lot of milk.  The boys would suck everything out of me!)

But I cringed when people would ask me why I stopped breastfeeding.  I loved breastfeeding and the bond I was having with my boys.  But with both boys I had to stop between 6 to 8 months.  I was losing the weight fast from breastfeeding and around my boys being 6 months I would be down 10 lbs from my original weight and still losing it fast.  I was asked by a few people if I was eating enough food.  (Dude I was pumping like 8 + oz every 4 hours.)  I had one family member come up to me and tell me I looked sick.  That I was too skinny and I needed to eat more.  ...Uhm that was rude!  I would snack and eat so much while nursing....I would seriously sometimes eat more than my husband!

Yes my friends and family may mostly be joking about how skinny I am, but you know somewhere deep down there is some truth to their jokes.  It isn't socially acceptable to go to bigger people and joke to them they are looking to big and they need to go on a diet, so why is it okay to talk about my weight, or lack thereof.  It's not nice to say some girls are too skinny.  Just like it's not nice to call a girl fat.

I'm writing this post to raise awareness.  Just because we are skinny doesn't give you a pass to make judgmental jokes.  It may be funny to you but it's not to us.  It's okay to compliment and admire.  But if your comment can be seen negative even if you see it as a compliment, please don't say it.  We all have issues with our bodies.  Not one of us is perfect.  Over the years I have learned to take care of and respect my body.  So sorry if i'm sick of the judgmental and rude comments whether you are joking or not. I've heard it enough joke after joke.  People need to know whether you are big or small it's not okay to tell someone they are too skinny or to big.



Now if you really are concerned about someone having an eating disorder that's a completely different story.  You don't ignore it and you seek to help and show them loving support.  I highly suggest to research and appropriately look up how to assess and handle helping this person.  Please check out http://nedawareness.org  for more helpful information.

I'm Not Crazy

I felt redeemed over the weekend.  For the longest time I have looked like the controlling/bratty/crazy wife.  I have set rules/ boundaries to keep my family safe from my husbands addiction.  And when others who don't understand addiction hear that I don't allow my husband to drink around my boys or in our house they automatically think I am crazy and controlling.  Can I tell you how done I am with being the crazy wife!  I'm sick of doing things to protect my family and I am judged for that.

Well this weekend during the Seahawks game Cole decided it would be a good idea to have some drinks during the game.  Well he had one to many drinks and shortly after some friends/family members realized how bad he gets while drunk.  They learned that he doesn't know his limit and that he can switch emotions like a switch.  One minute he is happy and making jokes with you the next he is a jerk saying hurtful things.  He left the house and walked the streets drunk and I had to call him and convince him to get back home so he didn't get a ticket for public intoxication while my friends were driving around looking for him. He blacks out and doesn't remember his actions so he doesn't fully understand the extent of his hurt and betrayal he has caused.

After a few bad decisions I have texts and phone calls by these family/ friends and them asking how to deal with him.  (I am 2 hours away staying at my sisters for the moment.)  It was so nice to hear them say "Oh my gosh I didn't believe you when you said he was an Alcoholic."  and"Wow I didn't realize how bad it was."  I got a few apologies and words of encouragement and recognition for what a strong and loving (and very patient) wife I have been with my husband.

The thing that meant the most was I finally validated.  I'M NOT CRAZY!  My husband is an alcoholic even if he claims to others he isn't.  And others are seeing that I am right!  (Even though I do give him credit because the next day he admitted he was an alcoholic to me and got rid of all the alcohol.)

It's like I have been screaming at the top of my lungs on top of a mountain for help for the longest time and no one has heard me.  But finally this weekend my voice was heard and my friends are offering to finally help.  {And for once I was gone and I didn't have to clean up his mess!  I told them sorry they had to deal with his drunk self.  But I was so glad I had a break.  I even told Cole this and he laughed and told me i'm dumb (in a loving way).}

So even though my husband gave me a good scare over the weekend and it was very frustrating.  I was so glad it helped open up others eyes on how difficult and serious my situation is.

My advice for those who know someone who is struggling with a loved ones addiction is don't be to quick to judge.  You never know the full story.  And sometimes it's worse than you think.  What they need most is love, support and trying your best to understand.  Because sometimes that is all they need.

Trust

Trust is something I don't take likely.  I have learned from many experiences in my life that I take it very seriously.  I remember learning the importance of having someones trust during my Junior year in High School.  I started out the year great with awesome friends and a really cute boyfriend.  Well slowly my life spiraled out of control.  I lost my best friend due to differences.  Got in a big fight with my boyfriend and we split up.  I started sneaking out of the house to hang out with friends and to just take a walk in the neighborhood because my life at the time was hard.

My parents noticed my situation and heard rumors that I was sneaking off.  My dad surprised me one day and took me on a daddy daughter date.  We went and had a nice dinner and after the dinner he asked me to come clean and tell the truth.  I had caught myself in so many lies to my parents with all the current things going on in my life.  My dad told me no matter what he would forgive me and help me through it.  Me being the dumb teenager I was, lied to his face and said I wan't lying and I had nothing to come clean about.  I was the "perfect daughter".  (I think I was just scared to get in trouble.)  

Well I had an awesome opportunity come up where one of my friend was going on a trip to Hawaii and her parents offered for her to be able to bring a friend and they would pay for their ticket.  I was her lucky pick!  I went to my parents so excited about it.  They said they would talk about it and let me know if I could go.  Well guess what... one of my lies surfaced and they found out about me sneaking out of the house one night to go see a late night movie at the megaplex.  I was grounded.  So grounded a trip to Hawaii was out of the question.  I was crushed!  I laid on my bed sobbing feeling sorry for myself.  My dad came in and gave me a big hug and said something along the lines of "Sweetie,  I'm so sorry your hurt.  I wish so badly you could go.  But you lied to me.  I tried so hard to trust you but now you have lost my trust.  I hope you will learn from this experience how important trust is."  

**BOOM**

From that moment on I learned how important it was to have my parents trust.  I didn't change over night.  In fact it took me years but from that experience I took trust very seriously.

Cole over and over has asked me to trust him.  I trust him with my life, I trust him with my boys, I trust him with so many things.  But when it comes to alcohol I don't trust him....yet.

Time and time again he says he won't drink.  Then he caves.  I get upset.  He says to trust him he is only drinking a few beers.  He can handle a few beer.  Then he starts drinking his hard liquor.  Relax it's only a couple shots.  I'm not drinking a whole bottle like I use to .  And slowly He starts sinking his ship further and further till we are right where we both don't want to be.  I don't trust him not drinking because he is an alcoholic. And time and time again he has given me a reason to not trust him with alcohol.

If he wasn't an alcoholic my thoughts would be different.  Like I said before I don't care if people drink.  It's their decision and it doesn't make them a bad person. I don't care if you drink it is your decision.  The only times I don't like it when someone drinks is when they abuse it.  Or even worse when they rely on it so much it is destroying their family.  Family is the most important thing to me so of course I get upset when I hear families being torn apart by alcohol. 

I long for the day when I can trust him again (whether he drinks alcohol or not).  But trust isn't just handed out it has to be earned.  It takes time and healing.  Trust I feel, is the issue that has always kept a wedge in my marriage.  We will work on this and some day I know I will have complete trust for him and that wedge will be gone.  But like I said trust isn't handed out.....it has to be earned.