It Happened

We hit rock bottom.  I did the unthinkable in my case.  I snooped behind his back.  But I'm so glad I did because I found out the horrible truth.  I was able to find out that Cole had been lying and doing horribly inappropriate things behind my back while he was drinking.  I confronted Cole and scared him to death.  I scared him by how smart I am at catching onto things so fast.  I scared him with how calm I was about the situation and I had reached my breaking point.  I looked him in the eye and said I don't want you anymore.  I don't want you to ever touch me again.  I don't care to continue a marriage with you.  You have hurt and betrayed my trust so bad, I'm not sure I want to continue being with you.

His eyes popped out of his head.  He looked at me like he was terrified and he said he wanted me and he wanted his family.  I don't fully believe him.

I gave him a list of requirements.  There are no if or buts.  If he wants a family this is what he has to do.  If he decides not to follow through I'll get a divorce attorney.  I took a step back after I confronted him and was super proud.  If you read my post last week you know that I have learned from the hard things that I have turned into my own hero.  I have gained so much knowledge and emotional strength the last 6 months and they prepared me so well for what happened this week.  Don't get me wrong I am scared of the future and what it holds for us because of our incident.  I don't want a divorce.  Right now I think all men are scumbags so a new spouse is out of the question for a long time.  But I'm also scared to continue a relationship with Cole.

Only time will tell how things go.  And I have no idea what our future holds.  What I do know is I have an amazing support system.  I have the most beautiful and lively boys that bring such happiness to my life.  And most of all I know that I am a freaking amazing person.  And I am not taking any more hurt or pain from the person I loved most.  I deserve love and happiness.  I will no longer settle for less.

Right now I'm admiring the quote the wise Bob Marley once said.  I'm stronger then I ever thought and I will once again be able to enjoy my view at the top of my happy mountain.

My Own Hero

2014 was one of the craziest years of my life.  It started out exciting starting my own business opening up my salon and working from home.  We welcomed our youngest son into the world In the beginning of the year.  And Cole was starting the job process for working at a new better job.  We ended up moving into some in-laws houses while waiting for our move.  It was a lot of change for a small family.

With all the changes it put a lot of stress on mine and Coles relationship.  We both agree divorce was a scary thought at the time and it seemed possible.  I never knew how lonely I could feel when I didn't feel connected with my spouse.  Even though Cole and I worked hard to fix things, I couldn't always rely on him to be there for me emotionally.  

I learned a lot of things for the year 2014.  I know I have said this many times before but I'm kinda grateful for that hard time because it seriously turned my life around.  With every trial I have gone through it has made me a better/stronger/smarter person.  Last year I learned a lot about myself.

The biggest thing I learned is that you can't always rely on your family and friends.  They may always be there for you but they can't help you out of everything.  Sometimes you have to roll up your sleeves and figure it out all on your own.  And with that I rolled up my sleeves and I fixed what needed fixing at that time.  I found out what an amazing mom I am.  What a loving and determined wife I am. That I am dependable of a friend/sister/daughter.  That I am a beautiful individual inside and out.  But mostly I found out that I became my own hero.  I never realized the strength I had within me.  And now that I found that I refuse to let it go.

Sometimes it's nice to have a Knight in shining armor to come to your rescue.  But I have found that it is much more satisfying to find that I am also a hero.  Not just to myself but to others as well.  I have also had a quick answer when people ask me who my hero is.  I always mention my husband and grandfather for their sacrifices they made serving our country.  Now It may sound cheesy but I will probably mention myself. It may confuse others but once I mention the few sacrifices and hard times I have had to deal with in my life. How I  grew instead of let the hard times overcome me and it turned me into a hero.  You can roll your eyes all you want but it won't make me change my mind.  Maybe you should look at your life and see what you have accomplished.  You may not see it but you may be a hero to someone else.  Why can't you be one for yourself as well?

Now

I didn't write a post last week due to the fact that I just needed a break. Life has been crazy with the move and other things that have been going on lately. I just needed to take a break from the blog.  I couldn't have chosen a crazier time in my life to start this blog. But I 100% do not regret starting it because he has been great for me. (I apologize if you were looking forward to post, but the break was exactly what I needed at this time.) 

Now don't worry, I'm happy and right now things are great.  I'm not to the point where I feel 100 percent complete. But I'm slowly getting there, There's a lot I /we still need to work on. I'm sure there'll be a lot of bumpy roads in the near future but also know there will be a lot of smooth roads as well.

With this break I focused a lot of time with my family this last week. I was reminded how much I love my little ones and my husband. And I was able to soak up some pretty happy moments with each of them.  

I saw the pure joy of happiness in my 3 year olds face in an intense game of Jenga.  He refused to lose but insisted I helped him find the lose pieces.  And I adored the smile on his face every time we pulled out a block.  And I finally gave in and made it fall so he could win. I fully enjoyed his sequels of Celebration for winning the game. 

I enjoyed the moment I taught my precious one year old how to blow kisses and how his eyes light up every time he hears the word kiss and he starts blowing kisses.  He is aching to learn more and I'm currently trying to teach him how to high five and fist bump.

And I have enjoyed the moments of cuddling on the couch watching shows with Cole.  What I didn't realize till finally being together again, is how much I missed the mornings with him.  I love how he would wake up to get ready for work, come lay a blanket over me and give me a kiss and tell me he loved me before he went to work. Such a simple things, but something I appreciate he does.  

These are such simple moments but ones that I will cherish forever. During these times I realized I need to remember that during those precious moments I'm where I need to be. I need to sit back and  breathe and enjoy them.  This week has opened up my eyes that I need to be more patient.  I'm still relearning that I need to of course take care of my family.   But sometimes I get so caught up in it I forget to take time for myself. And getting overwhelmed I lose patience for my family. I have heard from many that I am very selfless and very caring and giving.  But sometimes it can be a curse instead of a gift  because I wear myself out.  I have yet to learn a perfect balance.  But no one is perfect and I'll probably never learn.  I just need to realize when things get crazy I need to stop, relax and figure out what is most important and remember to take time to take care of myself. 

Yikes!!

I should be thrilled right now.  I should be ecstatic that my family is finally getting our own place.  What was going to be only a few months living with family turned into 9 months.  9 MONTHS!!!  Don't get me wrong I am so grateful to every family member who took Cole and I in while we were waiting for Coles new Job to get started.  Trust me 3 months of feeling like a single mom to my boys while Cole has lived 3 hours away has been rough.  Even with my sisters help it is just hard when you don't have the other parent around to help out everyday.  And believe me I am so excited to have our own space again.  Trust me I am probably going to run around naked for the first few days because I can and I don't have to worry about running into any family members!!!

But why am I so nervous and anxious?  I was driving home from the store thinking about this and it finally dawned on me.

I am scared to live with Cole again.  I have finally gotten into a grove with things, with him not around.  Our separation was needed at the time due to his work starting up and our marriage was failing at the time.  But after some good elbow grease and working hard together, we have found some safe zones.  We have really come a long way from where we were.  And I'm happy with our outcome.  I know we have more work to do.  And I know there are some arguments in the near future to figure out our roles in our marriage with where it is. I plan on finding a therapist to help me. I also plan on having a healthy outlet of negative emotions at the gym still.  Cole is enjoying work and is involved in football so he has his own outlets and "him" time that he needs just as I do.

I am mostly terrified that after all this hard work it will all fall apart again.  Do I expect it to...of course not.  I really think it is going to work out.  (I truly do!)  But I can't deny the inkling feeling that what if it does fall apart?  I want so badly for this to work out.  Cole really does to!  He is still drinking occasionally.  It's not what I want but we made boundaries and agreements that we both were comfortable with.  He even committed to coming to church with me on Sundays only to sacrament meeting to help out with the boys.  Do you know how much that means to me.  It will be so nice to have his help. Especially when before he wanted nothing to do with church.  

The fact that we are both making sacrifices for the other is huge.  It is showing that we respect and care about one another.  It might not be perfectly how we want it.  But pushing each other has never helped us.  It has just caused a problems in our marriage.  And I really believe that with trust and understanding this will all work out.  We may not be perfect but I'm so happy that once again we are starting to care to make the other happy.  

To finish this off I found this amazing quote that a friend posted on her Facebook.  I seriously can not get it out of my head.  I feel like Eyring is speaking directly to me.  Getting our own place feels like the right thing right now.  I just need to follow my heart and listen faithfully for what steps I need to take next.  I am ready to be where the lord wants me to be.

"Please find out what it is the Lord would have you do, believe he has prepared a way for you to do it, and share what he's given you with others. As you do that, you will feel his love and you will become more like him. You will find joy and consolation, you will become sanctified by the gospel, and then you can go home again."
-- Henry B. Eyring

My Favorite Church song

My son always asks me to sing my favorite church song to him every night.  My favorite Church song is "A Child's Prayer" by Janice Kapp Perry. It melts my heart every time we sing it together.  Those loving words coming out of my 3 year old's sweet little mouth are one of my favorite parts of the day.  The first verse is sang by a child asking/talking to their heavenly father.  And the second verse is an adult version answering the child's questions.  If you haven't heard of this song the lyrics are below.

1. 1. Heavenly Father, are you really there?
   And do you hear and answer ev'ry child's prayer?
   Some say that heaven is far away,
   But I feel it close around me as I pray.
   

   Heavenly Father, I remember now

   Something that Jesus told disciples long ago:

   "Suffer the children to come to me."

   Father, in prayer I'm coming now to thee.
2. 1. 2. Pray, he is there;
      Speak, he is list'ning.
      You are his child;
      His love now surrounds you.
      He hears your prayer;
      He loves the children.
      Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heav'n.

Lets take a look at the song and how it can comfort anyone who is going through a hard time. You call up to your Father In Heaven because you feel alone and are pray for his comfort and love.  Then you're comforted knowing he is there and he is listening and answering your prayers doing what is best for you.  Even if it isn't exactly how you want your prayers answered, he knows whats best and is guiding you in the direction you need to be.

Every time I go through a trial this song pops in my head.  Every time I'm going through emotional pain and I feel so alone this song is always a huge comfort to me. And during those hard times when I'm in the shower, I seem to belt it out!  (Seriously sing it at the top of my lungs and I love every second of it.) The lyrics in this song are just so comforting to me.  What I am loving right now is
how my son is learning the words and how beautiful it sounds to me when he sings it.  And I love how he is starting to love and enjoy the song as much as I do.  I only hope that teaching him this song he can find comfort in it when he is older like I have.

What is your song that inspires/comforts you during your hard times.  Leave me a comment below because I would love to know what songs help others.

Safe People

Let me first start off by telling you who "Safe People" are.  Safe people are people that you feel very safe to share almost everything with.  No they don't always have to agree with you.  But you trust them enough that you can tell them what you feel comfortable sharing and they will love you and be there for you no matter what.

I have a small handful of people that are on my "Safe People" list.  It's not that I don't trust everyone, but I believe in my relationship, that not everyone needs to know all my secrets.  But the people who I do consider safe, I believe I should be able to share with them what ever I feel.

I think it is totally healthy to find some one to process and share your thought and feelings to.  Now obviously if your asked to keep a secret you should.  So don't go telling all of your secrets you promised to keep about others.  But going to them to vent, process, talk, is a totally normal and healthy thing to do.

I am a girl.  Girls like to talk.  We aren't like guys who are satisfied with seeing an old friend and saying "Hey, What's up?  Everyone in your family good?  Cool glad everything is okay."  Girls like to share details.  If things are good we tell it how it is.  Same for the bad.  If things are bad you better believe we share to those we feel are safe to us.  (My personal opinion stop doing bad things that your friend, family member or spouse are going to get upset over.  If you don't it's not okay to expect them to bottle it all up and not be able to talk about it.)

I have a few safe people in my life that I can share all me thoughts and feelings with.  I don't feel judged and appreciate their advice and love.  Safe people are important to have.  Not only for yourself but for your spouse.  And I think it is very important to have safe people.  If you have problems in one of your relationships whether it is with a friend, parent or spouse I think it is healthy to share your thoughts and feelings to someone who is safe.  You shouldn't be criticized for going to a safe person and processing your thoughts and feelings.  I don't think it is healthy to bottle everything up to yourself.  And I don't think it is healthy to only share it with your spouse.  It will turn into a burden to only talk and share everything with your spouse.  I think if you have this problem it is important to seek help from family or friends who you feel safe to talk to.  Or even professional help can be a big help.

I have a few people in my life who struggle with finding safe people and they expect me to not be able to process and share my thoughts or feelings.  And right now i'm not okay with it.  I'm not okay with bottling it all up and keeping everything to myself.  I think it is very selfish of them to put this burden on me and to think that I just have to deal with it on my own.  Like I always say....I am going to do what I think is best for me and my family.

The Talks

Right now Cole and I are really working on our communication.  

We have been married for over 6 years but we both agree we feel like newly weds.  Not in the romantic honeymoon stage but in the arguing and trying to figure out how to live with each other stage.  For the first 4 years of our marriage Cole and I were separated for more than half of our marriage. Due to Coles Military and all his deployments we were use to being separated.  It was so difficult being apart from the one you love.  And it made that reunion so sweet.  We loved each other so much and knew that from all our separations.  But all the separations are really starting to bite us in the Butt.  The first part of our marriage we didn't get the experience like most, where we were able to figure out one another.  Have those big fights and work it out.  It is so frustrating now because of how long we have been married.  We have kids now and we are going through the hard beginning parts of our marriage that most couples would have figured out by now! 

Before when we would get in an argument we would most likely yell and walk away from each other.  We would calm down and not discuss the problem again.  Now that I look back on that I realize how childish and selfish we were.  But lately we have been trying to talk it out and discuss our problems/feelings. And even though it has been really good and beneficial for our challenges right now it is super frustrating!  It is seriously emotionally draining sitting in a room trying to talk without raising your voice.  And expressing how you feel with out screaming out a few cuss words...now that has been a big challenge for me.  Sometimes our conversations have lasted hours and I finally want to scream some vulgar words at him and walk out of the room.  And i'm pretty sure he feels the same way.  

This has been so good for us.  We have really had to work on our patience.  And that is what i'm finding we need most in our marriage right now.  The small things are starting to tick us off.  And right now we need to relax and decide what is really important to get upset over and what isn't.  I have learned that sometimes I just need to sit back and breath.  Getting all flustered and upset isn't doing me or anyone else any good.  I'm seriously thinking of finally doing some yoga classes.  It will be nothing but beneficial for me. How about you?  What are some things you do?  What have you done in your marriage to stop the yelling and fighting and having healthier conversations?