I'm starting to realize lately that I have been the one that has been blamed in my marriage. I'm the one that is always doing something wrong. I am the controlling one. I am the one who wont let the past go.
I totally agree that there are things that I can fix. No one is perfect. I definitely need to be more aware and listen to my boys. I'm so use to toning them out sometimes because I'm sick of hearing "mom. mom. mom!" Allll Dayyyy longggg I need to be more patient and address them in the beginning and listen and help them. And they need to learn that sometimes mom needs her time. We all have something to learn.
But I'm finding that Cole lately has been pointing fingers at me for the majority of our problems. I occasionally would point things out that I needed him to work on as well. But majority of our fights he would put all the blame on me.
He doesn't think he has an addiction problem. And I believe that his addiction is the core problem for our arguments. We both are on opposite sides and it is hard to find a happy medium. For once though we were able to have a good conversation where we were both able to be 100% honest and express our fears that we have in our relationships. Say what the other person does that really upsets us. Be able to admit our faults and say yes we need to fix them. But we never came to an agreement to the alcohol. Is he an addict or is he not. We both have different opinions.
So the only thing we could agree on is that I should no longer accuse him that he has an addiction. And he will respect my boundaries. If he doesn't respect my boundaries or he has a bad outbreak from his addiction, then he will admit he is an alcoholic and he will get professional help.
So I have come to a decision. So many times I have looked the other way when he has done this. In a way he is making a mess in our bed. And this time I'm not going to help him fix it. I will always love him and cheer him on to do his best/get better. But this time I'm not getting my hands dirty. He needs to make his own decisions now. If he stays on this path and he handles the alcohol fine then I have nothing to worry about. He is keeping his promise. But if he destroys the bed again I am not going to helping him fix it again. He will have to learn on his own this time, how he can overcome his problem. He can look to me for support. But he can no longer expect me to get my hands dirty again to help him.
In a way I feel like this is a better decision because I'm sick of cleaning up his messes and he is sick of me not being able to trust him. We both feel safe with our decision and we both have consequences if we do not stick to our agreements. Neither of us is 100% happy but this is a great place to start. And I have hope that one day in the near future, we will come to a place where we are both happy and we don't have to worry about this issue.
Call me crazy but I appreciate these hard times. I have found that my marriage has had it's ups and downs. The downs have been very good learning experiences for us. And I always find that we grow stronger as a couple. It sucks at the time, but later I always look back and think that it somehow turned out alright. We went from a crappy moment to a beautiful learning experience and we both were able to grow from it.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Thursday, February 5, 2015
I'm A Mountain Climber
I thought of an analogy the other day and I feel like I'm a genius because I thought of it...:)
Cole and I are mountain climbers. The first 3 years of our marriage we were always on the same page and climbed this mountain together step by step. We finally reached the peak and we were happy and enjoying the beautiful view. But eventually Cole decided he didn't want to stop and he wanted to keep exploring.
So he searched all over on the top of this peak and he found a slippery slope. He found it and he decided to slide down it. He had a blast while doing it. But once he got to the bottom he realized he wanted to be on top with me again. So I had to make the long climb down and we climbed back up this slope together, step by step. Once again we finally made it to the top and we were happy.
Well Cole eventually would find the slope again and he decided to have fun sliding down it. And I of course, heard him calling asking to come back up and I would go down and I climbed down to him and we would climb back up together, step by step. This has repeated over and over again. My husband wants to have fun sliding down the slope and I am happy and content staying up at the peak.
Right now Cole is down at the bottom and he is calling for me to come get him. I have climbed half way down the mountain but I have sat down to think about our situation. I don't know how many more times I want to climb down and help him. Half of me loves him and wants to help him up. But the other half of me is exhausted and doesn't want to go through this repetition again. For once I just want to play it by ear. I'm happy where I'm at, but i'm not going to keep climbing down there. If he decides he wants to climb up... cool. If he wants to stay down there...cool. I'm just going to enjoy our mountain and if he wants to keep climbing up and sliding down the slope than more power to him.
Me being concerned about his actions and decisions isn't going to do any good and he has a right to make his own. I'm just going to enjoy the beautiful view.
Cole and I are mountain climbers. The first 3 years of our marriage we were always on the same page and climbed this mountain together step by step. We finally reached the peak and we were happy and enjoying the beautiful view. But eventually Cole decided he didn't want to stop and he wanted to keep exploring.
So he searched all over on the top of this peak and he found a slippery slope. He found it and he decided to slide down it. He had a blast while doing it. But once he got to the bottom he realized he wanted to be on top with me again. So I had to make the long climb down and we climbed back up this slope together, step by step. Once again we finally made it to the top and we were happy.
Well Cole eventually would find the slope again and he decided to have fun sliding down it. And I of course, heard him calling asking to come back up and I would go down and I climbed down to him and we would climb back up together, step by step. This has repeated over and over again. My husband wants to have fun sliding down the slope and I am happy and content staying up at the peak.
Right now Cole is down at the bottom and he is calling for me to come get him. I have climbed half way down the mountain but I have sat down to think about our situation. I don't know how many more times I want to climb down and help him. Half of me loves him and wants to help him up. But the other half of me is exhausted and doesn't want to go through this repetition again. For once I just want to play it by ear. I'm happy where I'm at, but i'm not going to keep climbing down there. If he decides he wants to climb up... cool. If he wants to stay down there...cool. I'm just going to enjoy our mountain and if he wants to keep climbing up and sliding down the slope than more power to him.
Me being concerned about his actions and decisions isn't going to do any good and he has a right to make his own. I'm just going to enjoy the beautiful view.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Skinny Girl Problems
I'm probably going to be hated for this but I've just had it with the judgement and mean comments.
I am 5'3" and weigh a little over 100 lbs. I have been blessed with a high metabolism. I love vegetables and working out. I'm a unique and blessed person, with a blessed and unique slim body.
But I'm sick of the judgement from other woman. I didn't ask for this body. I was blessed with it. I don't throw it in peoples faces. I am humble (mainly because I'm scared of offending someone or being judged.)
I was very fortunate to lose my baby weight fast after having both my sons. I dropped it so fast I can only nurse my boys for 6-8 months because I lose the weight so fast. (I ate a ton and made a lot of milk. The boys would suck everything out of me!)
But I cringed when people would ask me why I stopped breastfeeding. I loved breastfeeding and the bond I was having with my boys. But with both boys I had to stop between 6 to 8 months. I was losing the weight fast from breastfeeding and around my boys being 6 months I would be down 10 lbs from my original weight and still losing it fast. I was asked by a few people if I was eating enough food. (Dude I was pumping like 8 + oz every 4 hours.) I had one family member come up to me and tell me I looked sick. That I was too skinny and I needed to eat more. ...Uhm that was rude! I would snack and eat so much while nursing....I would seriously sometimes eat more than my husband!
Yes my friends and family may mostly be joking about how skinny I am, but you know somewhere deep down there is some truth to their jokes. It isn't socially acceptable to go to bigger people and joke to them they are looking to big and they need to go on a diet, so why is it okay to talk about my weight, or lack thereof. It's not nice to say some girls are too skinny. Just like it's not nice to call a girl fat.
I'm writing this post to raise awareness. Just because we are skinny doesn't give you a pass to make judgmental jokes. It may be funny to you but it's not to us. It's okay to compliment and admire. But if your comment can be seen negative even if you see it as a compliment, please don't say it. We all have issues with our bodies. Not one of us is perfect. Over the years I have learned to take care of and respect my body. So sorry if i'm sick of the judgmental and rude comments whether you are joking or not. I've heard it enough joke after joke. People need to know whether you are big or small it's not okay to tell someone they are too skinny or to big.
Now if you really are concerned about someone having an eating disorder that's a completely different story. You don't ignore it and you seek to help and show them loving support. I highly suggest to research and appropriately look up how to assess and handle helping this person. Please check out http://nedawareness.org for more helpful information.
I am 5'3" and weigh a little over 100 lbs. I have been blessed with a high metabolism. I love vegetables and working out. I'm a unique and blessed person, with a blessed and unique slim body.
But I'm sick of the judgement from other woman. I didn't ask for this body. I was blessed with it. I don't throw it in peoples faces. I am humble (mainly because I'm scared of offending someone or being judged.)
I was very fortunate to lose my baby weight fast after having both my sons. I dropped it so fast I can only nurse my boys for 6-8 months because I lose the weight so fast. (I ate a ton and made a lot of milk. The boys would suck everything out of me!)
But I cringed when people would ask me why I stopped breastfeeding. I loved breastfeeding and the bond I was having with my boys. But with both boys I had to stop between 6 to 8 months. I was losing the weight fast from breastfeeding and around my boys being 6 months I would be down 10 lbs from my original weight and still losing it fast. I was asked by a few people if I was eating enough food. (Dude I was pumping like 8 + oz every 4 hours.) I had one family member come up to me and tell me I looked sick. That I was too skinny and I needed to eat more. ...Uhm that was rude! I would snack and eat so much while nursing....I would seriously sometimes eat more than my husband!
Yes my friends and family may mostly be joking about how skinny I am, but you know somewhere deep down there is some truth to their jokes. It isn't socially acceptable to go to bigger people and joke to them they are looking to big and they need to go on a diet, so why is it okay to talk about my weight, or lack thereof. It's not nice to say some girls are too skinny. Just like it's not nice to call a girl fat.
I'm writing this post to raise awareness. Just because we are skinny doesn't give you a pass to make judgmental jokes. It may be funny to you but it's not to us. It's okay to compliment and admire. But if your comment can be seen negative even if you see it as a compliment, please don't say it. We all have issues with our bodies. Not one of us is perfect. Over the years I have learned to take care of and respect my body. So sorry if i'm sick of the judgmental and rude comments whether you are joking or not. I've heard it enough joke after joke. People need to know whether you are big or small it's not okay to tell someone they are too skinny or to big.
Now if you really are concerned about someone having an eating disorder that's a completely different story. You don't ignore it and you seek to help and show them loving support. I highly suggest to research and appropriately look up how to assess and handle helping this person. Please check out http://nedawareness.org for more helpful information.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
I'm Not Crazy
I felt redeemed over the weekend. For the longest time I have looked like the controlling/bratty/crazy wife. I have set rules/ boundaries to keep my family safe from my husbands addiction. And when others who don't understand addiction hear that I don't allow my husband to drink around my boys or in our house they automatically think I am crazy and controlling. Can I tell you how done I am with being the crazy wife! I'm sick of doing things to protect my family and I am judged for that.
Well this weekend during the Seahawks game Cole decided it would be a good idea to have some drinks during the game. Well he had one to many drinks and shortly after some friends/family members realized how bad he gets while drunk. They learned that he doesn't know his limit and that he can switch emotions like a switch. One minute he is happy and making jokes with you the next he is a jerk saying hurtful things. He left the house and walked the streets drunk and I had to call him and convince him to get back home so he didn't get a ticket for public intoxication while my friends were driving around looking for him. He blacks out and doesn't remember his actions so he doesn't fully understand the extent of his hurt and betrayal he has caused.
After a few bad decisions I have texts and phone calls by these family/ friends and them asking how to deal with him. (I am 2 hours away staying at my sisters for the moment.) It was so nice to hear them say "Oh my gosh I didn't believe you when you said he was an Alcoholic." and"Wow I didn't realize how bad it was." I got a few apologies and words of encouragement and recognition for what a strong and loving (and very patient) wife I have been with my husband.
The thing that meant the most was I finally validated. I'M NOT CRAZY! My husband is an alcoholic even if he claims to others he isn't. And others are seeing that I am right! (Even though I do give him credit because the next day he admitted he was an alcoholic to me and got rid of all the alcohol.)
It's like I have been screaming at the top of my lungs on top of a mountain for help for the longest time and no one has heard me. But finally this weekend my voice was heard and my friends are offering to finally help. {And for once I was gone and I didn't have to clean up his mess! I told them sorry they had to deal with his drunk self. But I was so glad I had a break. I even told Cole this and he laughed and told me i'm dumb (in a loving way).}
So even though my husband gave me a good scare over the weekend and it was very frustrating. I was so glad it helped open up others eyes on how difficult and serious my situation is.
My advice for those who know someone who is struggling with a loved ones addiction is don't be to quick to judge. You never know the full story. And sometimes it's worse than you think. What they need most is love, support and trying your best to understand. Because sometimes that is all they need.
Well this weekend during the Seahawks game Cole decided it would be a good idea to have some drinks during the game. Well he had one to many drinks and shortly after some friends/family members realized how bad he gets while drunk. They learned that he doesn't know his limit and that he can switch emotions like a switch. One minute he is happy and making jokes with you the next he is a jerk saying hurtful things. He left the house and walked the streets drunk and I had to call him and convince him to get back home so he didn't get a ticket for public intoxication while my friends were driving around looking for him. He blacks out and doesn't remember his actions so he doesn't fully understand the extent of his hurt and betrayal he has caused.
After a few bad decisions I have texts and phone calls by these family/ friends and them asking how to deal with him. (I am 2 hours away staying at my sisters for the moment.) It was so nice to hear them say "Oh my gosh I didn't believe you when you said he was an Alcoholic." and"Wow I didn't realize how bad it was." I got a few apologies and words of encouragement and recognition for what a strong and loving (and very patient) wife I have been with my husband.
The thing that meant the most was I finally validated. I'M NOT CRAZY! My husband is an alcoholic even if he claims to others he isn't. And others are seeing that I am right! (Even though I do give him credit because the next day he admitted he was an alcoholic to me and got rid of all the alcohol.)
It's like I have been screaming at the top of my lungs on top of a mountain for help for the longest time and no one has heard me. But finally this weekend my voice was heard and my friends are offering to finally help. {And for once I was gone and I didn't have to clean up his mess! I told them sorry they had to deal with his drunk self. But I was so glad I had a break. I even told Cole this and he laughed and told me i'm dumb (in a loving way).}
So even though my husband gave me a good scare over the weekend and it was very frustrating. I was so glad it helped open up others eyes on how difficult and serious my situation is.
My advice for those who know someone who is struggling with a loved ones addiction is don't be to quick to judge. You never know the full story. And sometimes it's worse than you think. What they need most is love, support and trying your best to understand. Because sometimes that is all they need.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Trust
Trust is something I don't take likely. I have learned from many experiences in my life that I take it very seriously. I remember learning the importance of having someones trust during my Junior year in High School. I started out the year great with awesome friends and a really cute boyfriend. Well slowly my life spiraled out of control. I lost my best friend due to differences. Got in a big fight with my boyfriend and we split up. I started sneaking out of the house to hang out with friends and to just take a walk in the neighborhood because my life at the time was hard.
My parents noticed my situation and heard rumors that I was sneaking off. My dad surprised me one day and took me on a daddy daughter date. We went and had a nice dinner and after the dinner he asked me to come clean and tell the truth. I had caught myself in so many lies to my parents with all the current things going on in my life. My dad told me no matter what he would forgive me and help me through it. Me being the dumb teenager I was, lied to his face and said I wan't lying and I had nothing to come clean about. I was the "perfect daughter". (I think I was just scared to get in trouble.)
Well I had an awesome opportunity come up where one of my friend was going on a trip to Hawaii and her parents offered for her to be able to bring a friend and they would pay for their ticket. I was her lucky pick! I went to my parents so excited about it. They said they would talk about it and let me know if I could go. Well guess what... one of my lies surfaced and they found out about me sneaking out of the house one night to go see a late night movie at the megaplex. I was grounded. So grounded a trip to Hawaii was out of the question. I was crushed! I laid on my bed sobbing feeling sorry for myself. My dad came in and gave me a big hug and said something along the lines of "Sweetie, I'm so sorry your hurt. I wish so badly you could go. But you lied to me. I tried so hard to trust you but now you have lost my trust. I hope you will learn from this experience how important trust is."
**BOOM**
From that moment on I learned how important it was to have my parents trust. I didn't change over night. In fact it took me years but from that experience I took trust very seriously.
Cole over and over has asked me to trust him. I trust him with my life, I trust him with my boys, I trust him with so many things. But when it comes to alcohol I don't trust him....yet.
Time and time again he says he won't drink. Then he caves. I get upset. He says to trust him he is only drinking a few beers. He can handle a few beer. Then he starts drinking his hard liquor. Relax it's only a couple shots. I'm not drinking a whole bottle like I use to . And slowly He starts sinking his ship further and further till we are right where we both don't want to be. I don't trust him not drinking because he is an alcoholic. And time and time again he has given me a reason to not trust him with alcohol.
If he wasn't an alcoholic my thoughts would be different. Like I said before I don't care if people drink. It's their decision and it doesn't make them a bad person. I don't care if you drink it is your decision. The only times I don't like it when someone drinks is when they abuse it. Or even worse when they rely on it so much it is destroying their family. Family is the most important thing to me so of course I get upset when I hear families being torn apart by alcohol.
I long for the day when I can trust him again (whether he drinks alcohol or not). But trust isn't just handed out it has to be earned. It takes time and healing. Trust I feel, is the issue that has always kept a wedge in my marriage. We will work on this and some day I know I will have complete trust for him and that wedge will be gone. But like I said trust isn't handed out.....it has to be earned.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
....I moved
This is just a quick post apologizing for not posting anything last Thursday. I was extremely busy moving to another state due to my husband getting a new Job. I was swamped with things all week so I wasn't able to post anything until now. I will get back on schedule and post something this Thursday. Sorry to those of you who were wanting to read a post and I didn't post it on time like I said I was! Hope you all are enjoying the new year!
Thursday, January 1, 2015
The wrong advise
There are 2 phrases people tell me that make me cringe when it comes to my husbands Alcohol Abuse. "Just be patient" and "Just show him you love him". Do you know how many times I have heard them. Probably 294,873,729,592,185 times! .....Okay realistically probably not that many times but it sure feels like it.
I don't get upset hearing these phrases because I don't want to do them. I love my husband and both parties need to be patient and loving to each other especially during the hard times. How about you go to him and tell him that advise. I feel like people are to scared to go to the addict afraid to hurt his feelings. Sometimes it's a good thing to call them out on their bad behavior.
I think when people tell me this it upsets me most because I feel like it is the advise I hear most. What do they think... I don't love him and I am just going to run away?! Every time we have had a difficult time in our marriage I have rolled up my sleeves and fought hard to stay together. I have been nothing but patient and loving during the hardest times. Yes I get a little hot headed at times but who doesn't?!?
I think everyone says this because they are lost for words and don't know what to say. Let me give you a few examples of what I at least, and I'm sure some of you would like instead. "I'm sorry your having a hard time. What would you like me to do?" "I'm sorry, Is there anything I can help you with." Or my personal favorite when i'm really mad, "Husbands suck... but you love them anyways." There are so many things to say just before blurting out the same thing over and over again maybe throw in an appropriate joke to lighten their spirits. Ask how to help. Sometimes advise is good to give but most likely you have no idea how to advise someone because every case is unique. Every one heals and fixes things their own ways. When it came to baby advise I hated everyone telling me how to raise my kids....what is up with everyone telling you how to raise children? What I learned from the experience is I tell my friends and family that I have learned a few things with my kids. If they ever have a question feel free to ask me what worked for me. That way I'm not adding to the frustration of everyone else shoving advise down their throats.
The same goes for any addiction. Some people can quit cold turkey. Some people seek help from therapy or professional help. Some people have to hit their rock bottom in order to change. But not everyone is the same. Like I said every case is unique. So just be careful with what you advise. For me I am open to some suggestions. But I am just sick of those two phrases being repeated to me all the time. My husband is my best friend and the love of my life. I have a lot of patience for him(...If you know us you would agree!) I may kick him in the butt a few times, but he knows I do it out of love.
I don't get upset hearing these phrases because I don't want to do them. I love my husband and both parties need to be patient and loving to each other especially during the hard times. How about you go to him and tell him that advise. I feel like people are to scared to go to the addict afraid to hurt his feelings. Sometimes it's a good thing to call them out on their bad behavior.
I think when people tell me this it upsets me most because I feel like it is the advise I hear most. What do they think... I don't love him and I am just going to run away?! Every time we have had a difficult time in our marriage I have rolled up my sleeves and fought hard to stay together. I have been nothing but patient and loving during the hardest times. Yes I get a little hot headed at times but who doesn't?!?
I think everyone says this because they are lost for words and don't know what to say. Let me give you a few examples of what I at least, and I'm sure some of you would like instead. "I'm sorry your having a hard time. What would you like me to do?" "I'm sorry, Is there anything I can help you with." Or my personal favorite when i'm really mad, "Husbands suck... but you love them anyways." There are so many things to say just before blurting out the same thing over and over again maybe throw in an appropriate joke to lighten their spirits. Ask how to help. Sometimes advise is good to give but most likely you have no idea how to advise someone because every case is unique. Every one heals and fixes things their own ways. When it came to baby advise I hated everyone telling me how to raise my kids....what is up with everyone telling you how to raise children? What I learned from the experience is I tell my friends and family that I have learned a few things with my kids. If they ever have a question feel free to ask me what worked for me. That way I'm not adding to the frustration of everyone else shoving advise down their throats.
The same goes for any addiction. Some people can quit cold turkey. Some people seek help from therapy or professional help. Some people have to hit their rock bottom in order to change. But not everyone is the same. Like I said every case is unique. So just be careful with what you advise. For me I am open to some suggestions. But I am just sick of those two phrases being repeated to me all the time. My husband is my best friend and the love of my life. I have a lot of patience for him(...If you know us you would agree!) I may kick him in the butt a few times, but he knows I do it out of love.
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