The Dreaded Question

Did I do anything to deserve what I did?  Did I not provide you with enough love? Was I not good enough for you?  Am I going to find more?  Why did this even happen?

Will we ever be happy again?

I have new questions running through my head everyday.  The most common ones are "why is this happening to me?"  "Am I not good enough?"  "Will the pain never go away?"

I am an emotional wreck everyday.  I have good moments and I have bad ones.  I can't get the horrible images out of my head.  They haunt me all the time.

My husband used social media to cheat on me.  He found women, lied to them and told them we were separated so he could enjoy intimate pictures/videos/conversations with them.  No he didn't touch them.  But he still cheated on me.

I use to love social media and how it kept me connected to friends and family near and far.  Now I freaking hate it!  Not a day goes by that I want to hack onto Coles Facebook to see if he is still betraying me.  Don't get me wrong I still check.  Cole agreed to let me take his phone whenever to do a check on his facebook and messages.  He has strict instructions not to delete anything.  But I still fear to find more.  And I hate not knowing.

He is trying so hard to fix his problems.  He admits he was wrong and he is sick.  He sees the pain he has caused me and wants to make it go away.  I am so proud of the efforts that he has made but I still have a hard time.  He tells me he loves me..  He says he is fighting for me and he doesn't want to lose me.  He says he doesn't want to lose his family.  I don't trust him.  Trust me I want to.  But only time will tell.

I'm 50/50 on keeping my marriage.  50% I still see the man I loved.  He is still an amazing father to my boys.  I see the effort he is making and I want to see us succeed and grow old together.  The other 50% I'm so hurt by the betrayal.  I don't want to go through this again.  And I am so scared to move forward.

I haven't made my choice yet.  Like I said Coles choices and actions will determine the outcome from here on out. But the outcome I want most is that we are happy.  I can honestly say that no matter what happens I hope we find our happy endings whether we are together or not.

To find my happiness I have to learn to forgive and forget.   It would be stupid to try and forget everything.  This trial has been a huge learning experience for me. I have and will continue to forgive Cole.  I chose to forget the questions.  They aren't important.  I know I'm beautiful, a great mother, friend and wife.  I am  more then enough for him.  Will the pain ever go away.  I'm sure majority of it will.  There is no way I will 100% heal from this.  But I can try my hardest!

Like I have said a million times.  I chose to be happy.  I chose to let go of the questions.  I chose to forgive.

Gaslighting

I look back now on the last year of our marriage and all the hard times we went through. The hardest months when Cole pointed his finger at me and made me feel like I was the one destroying our marriage, I find out that he betraying me behind my back. He was so good at distracting me from seeing what was going on behind my back by pointing out the small flaws in me.  When in fact there was a huge elephant in the room screaming at me.  I look back now at how naive I was  and curse at myself.  I had doubts and suspicions that something like this was going on.  But I ignored my gut thinking there was no way he would ever do that to me.  Would never cause the pain I am now in.  He would never betray our marriage so bad that I would be contemplating divorce right now. But now I see the truth and all the lies and distractions he made. He distracted me so well that he was able to get away with his bad choices for months.

I knew then that he was sick from his alcohol addiction and he didn't want to admit that it was him. When in fact he was starting a whole new form of betrayal.  I still have yet to find out if he has a new addiction.  My gut says yes but he swears there isn't.  Right now I trust my gut more then I trust him.  My gut has been more honest to me than he has. He is willing to go to therapy and support groups to prove it's not as bad as I fear it may be. I pray he proves me wrong.

What am I doing now?

I'm separating my emotions to him. It hurts to much to care right now.

I Listen to what he has to say.....But that doesn't mean I believe him.

I encourage him to keep being stronger and getting help.  Whether we end up together or apart I care that he is happy in the end.

And the most important thing.  I'm finding my own happiness....once again.  I'm enjoying the small things.  A bowl of my favorite Ice cream at night.  A long bubble bath after the boys are asleep at night.  I take time at my work to have happy conversations with my clients.  (thank goodness for my job.  I love every second of it and it has been such a good distraction). Taking the boys to the park and enjoying their smiles.  I even snuck a few minutes on the swing for my self.  When I was younger the swings were my favorite thing at the park.  I could swing on it for hours.  There was something about the sun on my face and the wind in my hair that brought me happiness. 

For too long I sacrificed my happiness for Coles.  And he selfishly took it and took it for granted.  My husband is sick.  He has never been the same from his deployment from Afghanistan.  He fights demons from his deployments and his work that he has had to deal with in his past.  With the few stories he has shared with me I can't imagine what hell he has had to go through in his life.  And I ache for him to be free from his pain.

But I will no longer sacrifice myself to help him.  He needs to fight this on his own.  He used and abused me and I will no longer let that happen.  I chose to be happy.  If he wishes to be in my life forever he needs to find his happiness on his own and vow to love and cherish me forever.  I deserve it.